Sai.
You know my life completely in and out. I never thought a day would come when I might ask for your apology. But I think it is today. I know you are really busy sorting other problems out. And however,badly I need you, there are other people who need you equally or more and are completely dependent. Please let me tell you everything Baba.
I am sorry to have troubled some one in my college. I should have concentrated only on studies. But I believed too much in the concept of unconditional love outside parents and family.That is why I troubled her.
I am sorry for not accepting the offer of job .. Please forgive me for not completely asserting myself. This is where everything started going wrong.
I am sorry that in my 2 years of masters, I simply wasted time and well haven't gained knowledge, so that I find myself in a position where I cannot fend for myself, still depending on my dad.
In this meantime, I tried again to get love..this time to the extent of troubling the parents of the girl and the girl herself.She always told me that this relation was not meant to be and her parents wouldnt agree..but I beleived that love could win anyone...I think I painted my feelings of selfishness to get her as love and prayed to you all these days, did fasts, completed parayana..everything..just to get her hand ..to be with her all my life..to be with her to my death..to take care of her..to just die for her if she wants..to think she is my everything...yes god..sorry that I loved her even before I am thought of myself...I lacked confidence in me..I looked to her for that..but she was not sure..confused..she was..and finally she left me..not only because her parents were not ready for me..she left me because I was an immature person..you might get angry with me for always bringing this topic god..but you know I have made unpardonable sins..
I troubled my parents for her.accused them that they were trying to rub their opinions on me..while they were really afraid on the other hand what might happen to me...in one instance I also asked my dad to apologize to my friends..my dad did..see How bad I am..the person who gave birth to me had to apologize to someone half his age...I made my parents ashamed of me...
I troubled her parents for not agreeing to my proposal..for not acceding to my requests..I lectured her dad for not giving me her..for considering me just as a disturbance in her kundali...I tried to bully her father..I just did everything wrong god..I should have understood that there is nothing called Love. Love even if it happens is just a thing to be treasured in heart..but not something that can be taken for granted..So when the situation demanded...I couldn't do anything Baba...I am really tainted,tarnished, Bad...And when she left me..I took solace in telling myself that she was indecisive..she was not correct..as my other friends told I might get someone better...God how much I rue for doing all these..I tried to hate her..but succeded in only yearning for her more..I tried to forget her..But she was everywhere there for me..I could see her in myself..so how can I just do that Deva..
At shirdi U explicitly told me that the parents will become sad...but I continued blindly because I thought they will become happy in the future when they see me and her together..I in short tried to impose myself on fate..and fate just showed me how powerless I am before you...How stupid I was to beleive that everything is in my hands..
After she went I prayed everyday..I troubled you..I scolded you..I attributed that It was you who separated us. Every day..I cried..But you knew that I am not correct. That is why You didn't allow me to your temple..That is why..
Baba..I lost the desire to live..many times..But I love to enjoy..I love to be with my parents,take care of them..that is why I am still here..to do some good to some people..maybe feed a few hungry ppl...to eat some more chicken..to play more computer games...But I Dnt knw why Baba...the most core beleif of mine..unconditional love from a person other than my parents..the person who might have just born for me..is lost..I now don't believe that someone really can love me..because I think I cannot handle another heartbreak. I am through with loving someone completely..the only I mistake I did was to expect in return the same kind of love and devotion I had for her..
Please forgive me for not understanding that I should only be happy with what I have
Forgive me for not understanding clearly that my major objective in this life is to take care of my parents..
Even now Life is a confusion for me..I thought I would do an MBA..I left egg for 3 years..but I didn't write anyother exam for MBA. I did an ME which just showed me that I was the most ignorant person and I had lot to learn..but even If Iam trying to learn now...work pressure..heartbreak..parents worries..all are creating great atmosphere for me..I am living in extremes Baba..
Today Is Guru Pournima... The day when Guru himself takes care of his disciples..
Baba..I am a sinner..thru and thru.. I never gave a single person happiness..because I myself was never happy...In the quest to become happy..that is to love madly and to have someone for me doing the same..I succeded only in making my parents sad and myself weak...
In Short...I believe..I have lost the right to call you my guru..I lost the genuine nature of a Sai Bhakth..because whenever I pray to you..I am only thinking of how I lost everything I held dear to my heart..I am afraid of showering love to my parents..because I have already caused so much pain to them..and they can leave me too..
I..I am sorry Baba..After this saptaha I am doing for my friend..I might not pray to you..
I have caused you enough headache..the worst thing about you is you take everyone's pain..My pain is unbearable..I don't want you to take up my pain anymore..whenever I demanded you to come to me and share my pain..I expected you to do some miracle...but I understand that I am not worthy of your Durbar..I am not a correct person .. I am just like that European gentelman who was turned out from your Durbar..or some other nasthik who had a chance to be with you but never utilized it..
Baba..I don't want to trouble you anymore..I hate to..cause more pain to the person who was my support ..who was with me for 23 years from my Birth..till now..I am leaving you Baba..Because I don't deserve you...I just don't..I am a sinner..I need to suffer the bad karma of my misdeeds..Let me rot in hell for whatever I have done..let me take birth as a fly or a pig or something..human birth..I have misused it..
I am ready to be merged with you when you want me Deva..
I have no other objective in life than to take care of my parents..
I wanted to do many things..take care of poor..make changes to way this country is ruled..and all that..But when I cannot change my own life or set my own things right or take care of myself and depend on others..How can I be an enterpreneur or cause some change..?? No baba..I am a liar..even when I am writing this letter to you..I might be a liar I have cheated myself,my parents, you and the only person whom I have loved more than my life..
Take care of real sai bhakts Baba..even now I know you won't leave me..But please don't bother for me anymore Baba..Please don't feel sad for me..I know you might not really be sad for me because I dnt deserve that..But take care of others ..help me to take care of my parents Baba..Help me to live a life for my parents..
Love you Baba..
She left me..Now I ask you to take care of others..
I know the prospect of leaving you and facing this world full of problems..is difficult..
But I will manage..
Take Care
Sai!
Topic: Baba..Please Forgive me! (Read 1194 times)