Om sri sai ram,
Thanks Sreevani for your concern. Actually now a days I am thinking to such an extent that if I tell others about my issue, they might also get affected. But I pray to Baba sincerely and no one should ever get this problem because it shook the very base of life and existence. But since you are asking I consider that baba himself is making this leela for good.
Actually the problem ( I guess) started many years ago nearly two decades ago when i was in school I had chicken pox and since smaller kids were in the house I was kept aloof in a room upstairs and some one will just come to serve me food. This arrangement was done to prevent anybody else in the house from getting infected. Somehow the loneliness in the room made me to think about many things and one nightI started thinking that my heart beat was racing and i started to think about the breath and the crazy mind hallucinated that I am breathing out of my control and if I forget the breath might stop. This gave me a mini panic attack and I shouted in the middle of the night and my neighbours informed our house people about this and my grandmother came and slept in the same room that day. After this incident my grandmother slept in the same room in the nights. but the mind started to revolve around the thought about my breath which made me stressed out all the time. But I totally forgot about this somehow(I don't even remember at which stage). I was happily living for almost two decades and suddenly last December I went home along with my family on a two weeks vacation and after going there in a couple of days I had sore throat and infection and my wife gave me Augmentin with few other medicines. Becasue of sore throat I had a nagging feeling that some thing is sticking to my throat and i was clearing my throat quite frequently and this spoiled my sleep and I slept quite late and slept for shorter hours. Later I had to go a temple for away and it was a two day trip. I went with my father in our car and when we stayed in the hotel i could not get sleep. Also I forgot to tell you that I had quite a number of sleep apnea wake ups in the past 10 years and i started to think deeply about this which made me insomniac and the next day i went to the temple and when we were traveling back in the car I felt a lot of discomfort owing to my throat condition which made me to clear the throat quite often which i didn't like. .In the mean while my mind also started thinking about the episode i had in my early days and got fixed to the breath again. Later owing to this situation my remaining stay at my home was a hell a I was struggling with my breath and had one or two panic attacks, but no one could understand my situation. they were all thinking that it is the throat infectection and congestion and asked me to go to the doctor . I also went to the doctor and he gave me a combination of powerful antibiotics. So during day time i will struggle to get through the chores and even stay quite and in the night i was scared that i won't get sleep and even if i get sleep I might get sleep apnea. I was taking melatonin, sleeping pills etc but nothing was effective. I started feeling a great deal of depression and was disinterested in anything and everything. My mind started to think about life's purpose etc. In the meanwhile I was also worried about the flight travel back to my work place as i was worried that if get panic attack in the long flight I am doomed. I was praying a lot and my people and in-laws every one prayed a a lot and i went to Anjaneya temple and Baba's temple and by their grace i survived the flight. but i should say that i was having a constant fear inside which i didn't like at all. After landing here it's almost a month now But I still have these thoughts and I feel horrible. In fact as i mentioned before I made it hard to myself by reading the web for help. Apparently i landed in a forum where many people with similar problem were screaming for help and when i went i to the details of some people i found that they were obsessed to think about breath and they find it hard to distract from it which is making their life hell. Actually my situation was that i was just scared that I control my breath or i breath consciously, but after seeing the forums I started getting idea bout the obsession part and my weak mind started to think about it continuously (at the same time my mind was blaming myself for seeing such pages) . ALso I learned that there is a medical term for such issues "sensorimotor obsessive compulsive disorder" this made me much more sad. The blogs also continuously mentioned that this condition (OCD) can only be controlled to some extent and not curable. Though i know that the web is poisoning my mind the weak mind wanted to dwelve deeper in to such information's everyday to get some solace, but I got more anxiety than solace. Due to my family, baba's grace and prayers from good souls like you made my mind to gain control. I have now gained some control, but still the thought about my breath always remain which gives a sick feeling. I actually heard a very good news recently but my mind is anot able to enjoy even that. When ever I see a pleasant condition my mind is not able to enjoy and when i see people normally enjoying their day. my mind thinks that I am the unluckiest who is unnecessarily thinking about all such stuff and all others are having peaceful life. I am not jealous of people and I pray to baba that everyone should be happy and not suffer my condition ever.Now more than the condition it;s the feeling that kills me I am OK only for some time and after sometime I start to think subconsciously about the breath and again start to compare how i was before December when I didn't have this problem and my present condition. My mind instantly compares each and every situation with this measure and makes me feel horrible. I know that it is hard to even think about this problem for others and here I am stuck in this mess. I don't know why i got this. Actually I am in the middle of Saade satth (71/2 saturn). I totally want to go back to my previous situation and feel the emotions the way it was then and my negative mind always thinks that it might not be possible and the mind is even trying to bring in more trouble sometimes. I know that magical touch of baba can erase this thought specifically form my mind for ever. I don't have any respite till he does that. I don't know whether my blaberrings make any sense to you. If i have disturbed your mind. I am extremely sorry and I pray from the depth of my heart that this information should not harm or hurt anyone.
Baba PLease show me your magical power. I am not here to test your magical power but to get respite from this awful mind issue. PLease make my mind stronger and clear . I should always have pleasant feeling and enjoy the life to the fullest. I am not selfish to put this request. If my condition is reversed and i become normal my whole family will be happy, right now they are also anxious seeing my situation and atleast for this reason you should set my mind right.
Om shri satchidananda satgurum sainath maharaj ki jai.
Please bless sreevani and her family, she has earned a lot of punniya by giving her ears to these ramblings. But for me it has definitely given a bit of peace.
Topic: Baba ...Please help me no one else can save me at this time (Read 6213 times)