Om Sai Ram,
Kindly forgive me for writing so many things. But i really want a clarity.
I have been in a difficult phase for the past 3 years. Fell in love with a muslim guy 3 years back and though he loved me, he didnt had the courage to take further so he broke up.My family knew about him and i was in severe pain. One of my another class mate (who is his friend) came to my rescue and he was friendly with me and slowly he pulled me out of the misery. Still it took 2 years for me to come out. We became very close and started to feel for each other and On May 2012 he told me that he want to marry me and talked to his parents and i too told my parents.I got permission from my side but his parents didnt and finally he gave up on August 2012. Though its very short, we knew each other for more than 2 years and he is very good friend of mine and we were so compatiable. Now he wants to forget me, but iam in the same pain again and lost hope in life and hate everything. Because of this my parents are also so worried about how my life is going to be.
One thing i want to tell here is i was never a believer of God. I use to go to temple just for my parents. One day i went to Baba temple near to my home and felt to talk to the poojari over there and i did. I cried to him, he told me to keep sai vrat and read sai satcharitra. I felt that as a call and i started to keep vrat along with the mantra's i started to chant daily. Every day i chant katyani mantra, bagalamukhi mantra, sita gaytri mantra. But there is no change in my life. Things are getting worst.
I can feel baba around me but my life is still a mess. I would like to point out how i felt his presence.
1. Since i didnt had sai satcharitra, I asked poojari to get me one in Tamil. He wasnt sure whether he can get one or not. But next day when i went he told me that a devotee came and when he enquired regarding this. That persone rushed to his home and bought his book and asked him to give it to me and told to use it till he gets a new book for me. I felt that baba want me to do this.
2.In office i did not have permanent system. But i would like to keep his portrait on my desk. I was praying baba the same that i want to keep your portrait but i dont have place for that. We have been raising concern for past 2 months for this. Suddenly this time my manager took it seriously and allocated a system for me. To add the person who is sitting behind me has baba's portrait on her desk.
3.I completed 2 vrats and i promised baba that i will read satcharitra for 9 times. But the second time i wasnt able to continue to read. I felt disconnected and went for Sai question and answer ( first i went to wrong website and got differnt ans and then i went to the rite one where questions are from 1 to 720) and got answer as "Leave lying and misbehaivour. Pray to lord krishna and donate food. Everything will happen immediately. Favour will be through a woman". I felt so happy and i was looking for a place to donate food and i started to chant krishna mantra and krishan ashtokam daily.
4.Same day when i came office i found that i got some credit points and can donate to trust with that. I did that and i was carrying a biscuit packed with me to donate someone.
5. Between these i had a chat with the muslim guy i dated first and told him everything. To my surprise next day he msged me whether he can talk to him regarding us. I felt that baba is showing me the way through him.
5.Yesterday i went to another sai temple and felt so peaceful there. I donated some amount for anadhanam there and when i came out i found a guy begging. i asked him whether he will take biscuit. he said yes and i gave it to him and donate some amount to the temple i go daily for prasadham for today.
But i didnt get peace even after this. I asked baba why my mind is still disturbed. Last night i had a dream that the muslim guy left his wife ( he is married) and he came to me and we are happy. I got up and the first thing came to my mind is "why baba".
Today is my third thursday. After pooja, i called up the guy i love and cried out loud to him regarding what im going through. He said that he has moved on and he doenst want me in his life and he wants me to move on as early as possible. My parents are going to search guy for me from next month.
Oh Deva!! What is my fault in all of these.I know that i should not ask you something, but i never asked anything to you and this is the first time i am asking since everyone will be happy because of this.
These are things i do:
1. I chant all the mantra's in the morning and since i dont have place to keep pictures, I open it in my laptop and light diya and pathi and chant. To add i went to katyani temple in kumbakonam and rameshwarm with my parents last month
2. Evening after office, i directly go to baba temple near to my home, chant "om siddha sankalpaya namah" for 108 times and then write it for 108 times. Read sai satcharitra there till the aarti time and come home. I have been doing this for the past 15 days.Some times if i dont have time. i chant the mantra there and i come home and write it in front of him.
3.I promised him that i wont touch non- veg (which is my favourite) and i didnt do it till now and will not eat it if my wish is fullfilled and will visit shiridi along with him.
4.I am planning to keep navrathri fast along with sai vrat. (This is the first time in my life, i keep fast)
5.I am planning to go to ISKCON temple this weekend.
6.I didnt know that sai vrat story should be read during fast. I started it from today. Does my last two vrats count?
Please Deva tell me whatelse you want me to do. I will do it. I promised you so many things and i will do it. Please show me where im doing wrong.Please make my life blissful. You are around, i can feel you. Is it still im paying for my past karma? When these will be over? Please someone help me.
Topic: Losing hope..baba pls bring him back to me. Show mercy to me. I am begging you (Read 19930 times)