DwarkaMai - Sai Baba Forum
Main Section => Sai Baba Spiritual Discussion Room => Topic started by: pramanisa on June 11, 2007, 10:06:48 AM
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Interview at Infosys
Read it and enjoy..........
Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly
speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know , these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments..It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they ! should ban it.
Interviewer : Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no.. I am talking about Exams!!
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST(Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative .
Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!
Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform . Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms ! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)
Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and ma! ny other languages.
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!
Interviewer : Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate : Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly .
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of th! e times they are in pipeline!
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.
Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I ! know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my
mistakes!
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I wo! uld like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US,Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007,I don't mind going there in that period . As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to INFOSYS..:-)) We look forward to working with you..:-))
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On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning
against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, How much do you earn?" The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2 000.00 a month, Sir. Why?" Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $ 6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 months' salary, now GET OUT and don't come back". Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company". He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?"
To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir!"
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2 mendhak (frogs) jhil ke kinaare baithe huyein hote hain!
kaafi der baadh 1 la mendhak kehta hain........
tarr!
yeh sunke 2ra mendhak kehta hain.........
tarr!
SANNATA!
thodi der baadh................
1 la mendhak kehta hain............
tarr!
to 2ra mendhak kehta hain.................
tarr!
FIR SANNATA!
bohot der baadh....
1 la mendhak kehta hain................
tarr!
to 2ra mendhak kehta hain...................
tarr!
FIR SE SANNATA..
Bohot der baadh.............
1 la mendhak kehta hain............
tarr! tarr!
to 2ra mendhak kehta hain........
abey, topic mat change karr !
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It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because
the yearONLY
has 365' days. Boring Lecture
Typical academic year for a student:
1. TV Sundays-52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays
are for rest. Days left 313.
2. Melting Summer holidays-50 where weather is very
hot and difficult to study.Days left 263.
3. Sleepy 8 hours daily sleep- 130 days GONE. Days
left 141.
4. Swinging 2 1 hour for daily playing- (good for
health) means 15 days. Days left 126.
5. Munchy 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies
(chewing
properly & swallowing)-means 30days. Days left 96.
6. Gossip 1 hour for talking (man is a social
animal)-means
15 days. days left 81.
7. Cheater Exam days- per year at least 35 days. Days
left 46.
8.Presents Quarterly, Half yearly and festival
(holidays)-40 days.Balance 6 days.
9. Sneezy For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining
days=3.
10.Movie Theater Movies and functions - at least 2
days. 1 day left.
11. That 1 day is your birthday. Make A Wish
How can you study on that day??????!!!!!!!!!!
Balance = 0
"How can a student pass ??"
-
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a 'one question final exam' after a semester dealing with a
broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it
on his desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.
Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.
One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have
gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "Which chair?"
"PEOPLE SEE THINGS THAT EXIST IN THIS WORLD AND ASK WHY?..
I DREAM OF THINGS THAT NEVER WERE AND ASK WHY NOT?"
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Life before marriage is AIRTEL
" u can express ur self ".
During honeymoon is RELIANCE-
" Always get in Touch ".
After Honeymoon is HUTCH
" Wherever u go ur wife network follows".
After one year Life is IDEA
" ur wife can change ur life ".
After 10 years Life is BSNL
" Subscriber is not reachable "?????????
-
What would happen, if earth starts rotating 30 times faster than it normally does?
Guess what?
Scroll down to see the answer............
Wait
Wait
Wait
Wait
We would get salary everyday.
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Smiling is infectious,
You catch it like the flu.
When someone smiled at me today,
I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner,
and someone saw my grin.
When he smiled I realized,
I'd passed it on to him.
I thought about that smile,
then I realized its worth.
A single smile just like mine,
could travel the earth.
So, if you feel a smile begin,
don't leave it undetected.
Let's start an epidemic quick,
and get the world infected!
-
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do…
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.
-
A wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband:
"Buy me a surprise for my birthday" she said. "Something that accelerates from 0 too 100 in 4 seconds..." And I would prefer a blue one please"!
Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.
And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought............
guess what
weighing machine (blue in colour)
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Teacher :What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser:Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student:A holiday
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)
-------------------------------------
Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in english,answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight."
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Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were
traveling in an auto rickshaw. They met with an accident and all three
of them died. Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of
death.
He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN.
But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to
HELL.
Laloo is not at all happy with this decision.
He asks Yama is to why this discrimination is being made? All the three
of them had served the public.
Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc. Then why
the differential treatment?
He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation
before a decision is made;
and should not be just asked on opinion or pre conceived notions.
Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an
English test.
PVNR is asked to spell "INDIA" and he does it correctly.
Advani is asked to spell "ENGLAND" and he too passes.
It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell "CZECHOSLOVAKIA".
Laloo protests that he doesn't know English.
He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and
thus
forced to fail with false intent.
Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi
(to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that
Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).
PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW".
He writes it easily and Passes.
Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN".
He too passes.
Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....." Tough one.
He fails again.
Laloo is extremely unhappy. Having been a student of history
(which the other two weren't),
he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history
Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not
take any more tests.
PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence?".
He replied "1947" and passed.
Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence
struggle?".
He gets nervous.
Yama asked him to choose from 3 options:
100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000.
Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.
It's Laloo's turn now.
Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who
died in the struggle.
Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.
The Moral of the story :
"IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO ESCAPE !!!"
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1 DIN 1 DAKU 1 SARDAR KE GHAR MEIN GHUS GAYA AUR BOLA "SONA KAHAN HAI?"
SARDAR BOLA "ULLU KE PATTHE. PURA GHAR KHALI HAI, KAHIN BHI SOJA.."
**************************
AN ASTRONOMER WAS WATCHING THE SKY FROM TELESCOPE. A SARDAR WAS OBSERVING HIM.
SUDDENLY A STAR FALLS. AFTER SEEING THAT SARDAR SAYS "WAH KYA NISHANA HAI".
**************************
SARDARJI'S SON : OYE PAPAJI.... BAHAR DARWAJE PAR KOI SWIMING POOL KE LIYE
DONATION MANG RAHA HAI....
SARDAR : PUTTAR , USKO EK LOTA PAANI DE DE...
**************************
SARDAR "YAAR! YE MURGI KE BACHE ANDE TODKAR BAHR KAISE AA JATE HAI?"
2ND SARDAR : "OYE! PEHLE MANU YE BATA YE BAND ANDE ME GHUS KAISE JATE HAI."
**************************
SARDAR NE BIWI SEY POOCHA : "AAJ THO CHICKEN BAHUTH TASTY HAI..KUCH KHAS
MASALA LAGAYA KYA?"
BIWI : "KUCH NAHI. THODI SI JAL GAYEE THI... ISLIYE BURNOL CREAM LAGAYA...."
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There was a Japanese man who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!.
"After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi, again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet.
And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport.The fare was 800 rupees. The Japanese exclaimed, "What??... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back,
"Meter, very fast! Made in India!"
-
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his
mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a
troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him
if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your
birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like
a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and
started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my
birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a
fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he
wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby
looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went
into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was
there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped
the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into
the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down
with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,
SEND THE BIKE! !!!!!!!!!
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Check this site
http://members.shaw.ca/faithshannon/baby-mabelinne.htm
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you
eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house
and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two
children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them
along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You
come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as
well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy
task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one
of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too
kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied,
"Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot
high."
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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old
> lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
>
> The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah.
> This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of
> these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only
> get one wish.
>
> The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he
> said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I
> get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can
> drive over there to visit?"
>
> The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!
> Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the
> bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much
> steel...! No. Think of another wish."
>
> The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been
> married and divorced several times.
> My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I
> wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and
> what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know
> why they're crying...know what they really want when they say,
> 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
>
> The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" "
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A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit. She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Junior said "The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later".......!!!
-
After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year,
Russian scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and
came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone
network one thousand years
ago.
So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed,
American scientists dug
200 metres and headlines in the US papers read:
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old
optical fibres, and have
concluded that their ancestors already had
advanced high-tech digital
telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Indian newspapers reported the
following:
"After digging as deep as 500 metres, Indian
scientists have found
absolutely nothing. They have concluded that -
:5000 years ago, their
ancestors were already using wireless technology .
-
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management.
-
Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT university and SANTA SINGH from
Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job. One common
question was asked to all 4 of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light
HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; b'cos thought is so fast it comes instantly
in your mind.
MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked
SANTA SINGH: Its Loose motion
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the
worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHTS, it was over!!!!
-
There is this group of 7 Sardars who plan to meet their old friend, famous Dr. Santa Singh.
The Sardars decide to take a taxi.
The taxi driver takes them to the destination.
The meter shows Rs. 28/-, so the taxi driver says, "You have to pay me
Rs.28/-."
Now, the Sardars have to share the cost among themselves and so they decide to divide the total (Rs. 28/-) by the number of people, i.e., 7.
This is how they do the calculation to arrive at the answer:
___
7 | 28 = 13 ( 7 x 1 = 7, 7 x 3 = 21 )
7
---
21
21
---
0
---
The driver is exceedingly happy upon receiving Rs. 13/- from each of the Sardars. He thanks them profusely and the feeling of happiness is writtern on his face as he leaves them and proceeds his way.
Seeing this, the Sardars feel that they may have made a mistake.
They decide to ask their friend Dr.Santa Singh about it. After all, the fellow was a famous doctor.
They ask Dr.Santa Singh to check their calculation of the taxi fare. Dr.Santa Singh ponders over the calculations and finally says, "See, I am not good at division. The process just boggles me but addition is something I am an expert at. Let us add all the amounts you guys gave to the taxi driver and check the result. This is how I check for my daily income. The process is slow but is sure." The other sardars nod their heads (?) in appreciation.
Dr.Santa SIngh writes as shown below and also explains as he writes on:
13
13
13
13
13
13
13
---
28
---
i.e. 3+3+3+3+3+3+3= 21 and 21+1+1+1+1+1+1+1=28 so this checks out.
He then says, "Yes, it's correct. But I can also call my close friend and Finance Secretary, Banta Singh."
Banta Singh arrives, and when told of the problem, he replies that he
doesn't think it is a bad deal but says, "No problem! I will verify it via mathematical computation. I'll verify it with multiplication. That is the best technique for this, you see!"
While others watch in admiration, Banta Singh goes on to write as shown:
13
x7
--- ( 7*3=21 , 7*1=7 so 21+7=28 )
21
+ 7
---
28 This checks out as well.
---
Then he says, "This is really fine. There is absolutely no problem, Dr. Santa."
-
>>Santa asks: Who r u?
>>Wife: How dare u forget ur wife?
>>Santa: Nasha har gam ko bhula deta hai
>>
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto, Banta asks: Y r u
>>removing a
>>wheel from ur auto?
>>Santa: Can't u read
'Parking for two wheelers only'
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa: Doctor, ye phulon ki mala kis ke liye?
>>Doctor: Ye mera pehla operation hai, success hua to mere liye, nahi
>>to
>>tumhare liye.
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa: Doc saab, mein Chashma laga ke pad to sakoonga?
>>Doc: Haan, bilkul.
>>Santa: To phir theek hai doc saab varna Anpad aadmi ki zindagi bhi
>>koi
>>zindagi
hai.
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa: Raat film main ek chudail kabhi mere aage, khabhi mere
>>peechhe
>>ghoom
>>rahi thi...
>>Jeeto: Koun si film thi ?
>>Santa: Apni shaadi ki movie thi !
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the
>>name from
>>NASA to SATYANASA
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata
hai.
>>Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
>>Santa: I'm falling in love.
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>
>>**********************************
>>
>>Banta: Yeh chaaku kyon ubaal rahe ho?
>>Santa: Suicide karne ke liye
>>Banta: To phir ubalne kui kya zaroorat hai?
>>Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna njoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets
>>Jeeto: Why 3?
>>Santa: For you and your
parents
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
>>Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Lady Doc: Tum roz subah clinic ke bahar khade ho kar auraton ko
>>kyon
>>ghoorte
>>ho?
>>Santa: Ji aap hi ne bahar likha hai: Auraton ko dekhne ka samay
>>9am-11am
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>A man to Santa: Aao ji chess
khelein
>>Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my
>>hand,
>>oh!
>>Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his
>>head. Is
>>he crying?
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>In an interview,
>>Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
>>Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr.....
>>Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
>>Santa:
>>Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup
dhup...
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got
>>irritated...
>>drank poison & said,
>>
>>Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Captain of Military: Naujawanon aage bado
>>Santa aage nahin bada
>>Captain: Tum aage kyun nahin bade?
>>Santa: Apne kaha 9 jawanon aage bado, mein 10ve number pe tha
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Banta: Yaar teri
wife ki maut ka bara afsos hua, vaise hua kya tha?
>>Sant: Goli lagi thi mathe main.
>>Banta: Waheguru ji ka shukar kar ke aankh bach
>>gayi.
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa apni khoobsurat Bibi k saath car mein baitha. Driver ne
>>sheesha set
>>kiya. Santa gusse mein bola, meri bibi ko dekhkta hai, piche baith,
>>car mein
>>chalaoonga!
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa: tainu Sunny Deol da phone no pata hai...?
>>Banta: Nahin, kyon ki hoya?
>>Santa: Yaaar asi Nalka patauna
si.
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Banta: U cheated me.
>>Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
>>Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all
>>India
>>
>>Radio!
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Sadhu: Bachcha teri biwi ko chuddail chipak gayee hai. Upaaye
>>karvaao.
>>Banta: Upayaye? Baba, agar do behenein gale mil rahi hain to is
>>mein
>>harz hi
>>kya hai
?
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
>>Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
>>Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
>>Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Napoleon: There is no such word as 'Impossible' in my dictionary.
>>Santa: To dictionary dekh kar kharidni thi
>>...!
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa: Agar tumhe kuch ho gaya to mein Pagal ho
jaaunga.
>>Jeeto: Doosri shaadi to nahin karogey?
>>Santa: Pagal ka kya hai, kuch bhi kar sakta hai
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Banta: Yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai?
>>Santa: Oye tujhe yeh bhi nahin pata, Jab auto mein koi ganji ladki
>>ja rahi
>>ho to use kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa was riding on a horse. He jumped the red light & a cop
>>whistles.
>>Santa lifts the tail of horse & says: 'Le Karle
Number
>>Note'
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Banta: Oye, tu to Doctor ke paas jaane waala tha, kya hua?
>>Santa: Yaar kal jaaonga, aaj thodi tabiyat kharab hai.
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.
>>Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh
>>rakha hai.
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
>>Santa: Who r u? Girl: Seeta
here.
>>Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>
>>**********************************
>>
>>Santa went to battery shop n asked to change battery.
>>The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga du?
>>Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?
>>
>>**********************************************************************
******
>>**********************************
>>
>>Q: Why did Santa take his pregnant wife Jeeto to Pizza Hut? A:
>>Because
>>they
>>advertised: 'Free Delivery'
-
1. Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??
Husband: I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
******* ************************
2- Q - What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... and the other ensures you Continue to do so.
******* ************************
3- Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
******* ************************
4- Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
******* ************************
5- Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
******* ************************
6- Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
******* ************************
7- A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU the FORTUNE"
******* ************************
8- Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
******* ************************
9- Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "Billionaire"
-
Santa singh: Can u spell a word tht has more than 1000
letters in it?
Banta singh: Post office.
************************************************** ************************
What is the full form of singh : s-sardar i -insaan n -nahi g -gadha h -hai.
************************************************** ************************
Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
They're there for those who don't drink.
************************************************** ************************
How Does a Sardar Cheat the Railways??
He buys the ticket but doesn't travel !!!!!!!!
************************************************** ************************
One evening a Sardarji starts from office to home with
pushing his scooter manually. He met his friend on the way...
Friend: why are you pushing your scooter manually?
Sardarji: 'I forgot to bring the scooter key from my
home.
Friend: 'Is it! Then, How did you come to office from
home in the morning?'
Sardarji: 'I was pushing my scooter from home to office
also in the morning.
************************************************** ********** **************
One day a Sardarji talking with his friend.......
Sardarji: We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we
will not be able to communicate with my child.
Friend: Is it! Why?
Sardarji: We have adopted a telugu child and it will
start to speak after 6 months.
************************************************** *************************
BEPPO SINGH WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL.
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Beppo Singh: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Beppo Singh: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure,
and the answer is 6!!
************************************************** *************************
BEPPO SINGH NEEDS VITAMINS FOR GRANDSON.
Beppo Singh: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Beppo Singh: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the
alphabet yet!!
************************************************** *************************
Jasmeet Kaur watched her husband Santa Singh searching
high and low, all over the living room.
She asked him: "What are you so frantically searching?"
Santa: "Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet: "And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?"
Santa:"Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on
television saying ....'You are watching the Star World channel'? "How can
he know what I am watching?"
************************************************** *************************
Sardar:Aap kitna padhe ho?
Friend: B.A.
Sardar: kamal karte ho yaar sirf do word padhe aur woh bhi ulte.
************************************************** *************************
A friend asks sardar how was ur exam?
Sardar: It was ok but i couldnt answer past tense of THINK. I thought,
thought & finally i wrote 'THUNK'.
************************************************** *************************
Sardar: Doctor help me, mein jab baat karta huun to muje sirf awaaz sunai
deti hai, aadmi nahi dikhta.
Dr: Aaisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt.
************************************************** *************************
Ek sardar jhad pe bethkar gaa rahe the, achanak ek aur
sardar jhad se ulta latak ke gaane laga, dusre ne pucha ki ulta kyon
latka hai, dosre Sardar bola, "Oye, side B gaa raha hun."
Sardar bought a new mobile.
He called everyone from his Phone Book & said "My Mobile No. has
changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa : I am a Proud Sardar, My son is in Medical College.
Banta : Really, what is he studying,
Santa : No he is not studying, they are Studying him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa falls in luv with a nurse...After much thinking, he finally
writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write for mother
tongue.?
Santa: Very long!
************************************************** *****
What is Common between : Krishna, Ram, Gandhiji & Jesus..?
Sardar ji Replied : All are Born on Government Holidays.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.
************************************************** *****
Santa standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta: Santa u'll die.
Santa: No, u'll die b'coz haven't u heard train is coming on platform?
************************************************** *****
Santa (reading from book of facts):
"Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?"
Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?
************************************************** *****
Santa went to battery shop n asked to change battery.
The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga du?
Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?
************************************************** *****
What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi
************************************************** *****
Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.
Santa: Oye! is mei suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?
************************************************** ****
Q: A Man asked Santa, "Akal badhi ya bhains? "
A: Santa bola, "Pehle date of birth to batao."
-
Once a man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him
for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the
beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized
that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some
money. Suddenly an idea struck him. He told the beggar, "I do not have
money, But if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will
certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the
beggar. The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of
tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one
to the beggar. The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to
health." The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and
told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It i! s
really good". The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain
and damages the liver". The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am
going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some
tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and
leave me alone". As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer
by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a
bad habit." Suddenly the man felt relieved !! and asked the beggar to
come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in
anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still
had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your
house with you".
The man replied........................................... ......
"My wife always wanted to see how a man with no Bad habits looks like
-
u made my day prajna ji. thank you so much. om sai ram.
-
MISTAKE........................
If a barber makes a mistake, It is a New Style
If a driver makes a mistake, It is a New path
If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a New Technology
If parents makes a mistake, It is a New Generation
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a New Invention
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a New Fashion
If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a NEW THEORY
If our boss makes a mistake, It is a New idea …
If an employee makes a mistake, It is a Mistake
-
For some days Santa and Banta were not in good tune. Santa was staying at first floor and Banta at seventh floor. At tha same time building lift ws not working then Banta came up with an idea to make fun with Santa and invited him for dinner. Santa unaware of his plans climbed to seventh floor and saw Banta's door was locked with a note "See how i fooled u" then Santa wrote at the bottom of his note "i didn't came here".
One day Santa told Banta we will go on sun. Banta said - mad u don't know it's so hot there at sun. Santa said -o stupid we will go at night not at the day time.
Santa asked Banta-- for how long u have seen rain continues. Banta replied- only for one day i saw continuous raining. Santa said --i have seen it for two days. Banta sked him how can u see for two days continuously night also comes in the middle.
-
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, you were fine?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client." I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. -how are you feeling?"
-
Teacher : Why is honesty the best policy?
*
*
*
*
Student : Bcoz there is hardly any competition.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
When words are not just enuff to express ur feelings
Dont think u r in LOVE
You just have to attend a english speaking course!!!!!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A boy throws a bottle of Bournvita out of the window.
A cat sees and buries it under the ground.Why?
Ans:its "CAT Buries(cadbury's) Bournvita
-
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he
died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money
and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he
died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black,
and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the
ceremony,
just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife
said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with
the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So, her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband?"
The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket
with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
-
A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
-
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labor - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relationship - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Much Less
-
The bride ,upon her engagement went to her mother and said,"ive found a man just like father!""So her mother replied,"so what do you want from me,sympathy?"
------
The doctor took his patient into his office and said"I have some good news and some bad news".The patient said"Give me the Good news".The Doctor said,"They're going to name a disease after you"
--
During the wedding rehearsal,the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:”Look I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows.When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love,honour and obey’and ‘be faithful to her forever’,I’d would appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
On the day of the wedding,when it time for the groom’s vows,the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said”will you promise to prostate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish,serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before god and your lovely wife that you will not ever look at another woman,as long as both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around and said in a tiny voice,”yes”,then leaned toward the pastor and hissed:”I thought we had a deal”the pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered:”She made me a better offer”
-
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven...... ...... They decide to Play hide-n-seek
.........Unfortunat ely Einstein is the one who has the Den......... ..He is supposed to
count up to 100...and then start Searching... ...Everyone starts hiding except Newton ...... ...
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.... .......
Einstein's counting.....1,2,3......97, 98,99.... .100..... ... He opens his eyes and finds Newton
Standing in front....... .Einstein says " Newton 's out. Newton 's.... out....."
Newton denies and says I am not out........He claims that he is not Newton ......
All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton ...
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared..... That makes me
Newton per meter squared..... . since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal,
Therefore Pascal is OUT......... ..!
-
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around
the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone, he said,
"There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars,
but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if
anyone has gone to heaven, he has."
They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave.
The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's
a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars,
and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone
has gone to hell, he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know,
Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to
draw on."
-
With Pete soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Pete smirked and says, "I'm going to go get her."
-
The Husband Store
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
*********
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
*********
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
*********
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
*********
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
*********
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
-
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking:
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered,
"THE TEETH"
-
We met and found that we are a good match
We had a great kick-off to our love
through several passes and exchanges
But, suddenly you have gone off side (off sight)
Is this a penalty to me because
I did not ring you up?
You are the goal in my life
If you agree to marry me
I will get printed the yellow card (manjal pathrikai)
If you reject me my blood will make
the yellow card into a red card.
-
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
**********
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
**********
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
**********
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
**********
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
**********
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
**********
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
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8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
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9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
**********
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
**********
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
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12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
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13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books .
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14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
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15. Sadly, all men are created equal!
have a nice day :)
-
*Break Into the House*
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"
***********
*Lost Wife*
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
***********
*Teacher*
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
***********
*Hearing*
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
***********
*Wedding*
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment,then said, " So, why is the groom wearing black?"
***********
* Dream*
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - " The meaning of Dreams".
-
WALMART HAS EVERY THING
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a
doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample
from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for
good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
-
a good one here..............
2 tough questions are you ready?
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.
Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon , used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Never be afraid to try some thing new.
Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals. ..built the Titanic
And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
-
WHY THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?????
Mulayam - I demand a 50% reservation of the road for the chicken class, so that they can cross the road freely without their motives being questioned.
ARJUN SINGH - Our policy will ensure the development of socially underprivileged chickens so that they can also cross roads.
Abdul Kalam - Yes, why did the chickens cross the road? .. please tell me why? .. they crossed to go to the other side of the road... now repeat after me ....
Advani - see Pakistani hand in this ...
Vatal Nagaraj - No Tamil or outside chickens will be allowed to cross our roads, our roads are meant only for Kanadiga chickens!.
Bal Thackarey - Chickens crossing the roads is against our culture, my followers will stone all such chickens which cross the road.
Jayalalithaa - From reliable sources I've got the information that the chicken belongs to Karunanidhi. He is making his chicken cross the road to create law & order problems. The chicken has now been imprisoned under POTA.
Amitabh Bachhan - The chicken has crossed the road?.. are you sure.. very sure ... really sure...
Venkaiah Naidu - "We are very sure of the fact that the chicken did not cross the road. It's a conspiracy by the congress. The poor chicken has been made a scapegoat in this whole issue"
H.S.Surjeet - We are adopting a wait and watch policy. We have convened a meeting of the third front today. We will decide the future course of action after the chicken comes back..
Maneka Gandhi - Chicken crossed the road alone...!! If a vehicle had passed over it, we would have lost one of our dearest creatures. Ban all vehicles from using the road. Protect our chickens...
Salman Khan - I ran over the chicken (Hic!). It was not intentional ...... It was accidental (Hic!)... ... you're now asking this question to me only because I'm a celebrity(Hic!)
-
Anwar’s Dictionary
Anwar’s father was happy to see him poring over the dictionary for a long time.
Father: “Anwar, it’s so good to see you reading a dictionary. What did you learn?”
“What I learnt was,” said Anwar, “Not to keep my pocket money in the dictionary without noting down the page number.’
-
Beggar Brother
The beggar approaches the man and says, “Sir, don’t you think of all human beings as your brothers?”
“Why? Yes.”
“Then I am your brother.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Then I am entitled to half your wealth, so give me my share.”
“Here take this rupee”
“But is that all?”
“That’s it,” says the man, “I have millions of brothers.”
-
Thief! Thief!
Two thieves robbed a bank. One said to the other, “Come let’s count how much is there.”
The second thief said, “There is no need to count, we will find the amount in tomorrow’s newspaper.”
Genie Grants a Wish
Lazy Bhola happens to release a genie when he brushes against a lamp by mistake. The free genie is happy and says, “I will gift you a machine, which if you push a button will do anything for you.”
Bhola asks, “But who will press the button?”
Gardening Apprentice
The gardner had kept a new apprentice to help him in his work. The new lad comes upto him and says, “I think, Sir, that that you have not planted the rose properly. It is not developing roots.”
“How can you say that?”
“I have been taking it out every day to check.”
First Day at School
Mom asked her son, “ So how was your first day at school?”
“First day? You mean I have to go back there tomorrow?”
Failed Again
“Pramod, you have failed again”, said the teacher. “Are you not ashamed being in the same class with such small children?”
“Why should I be?” asked Pramod, “You have been with them for years together and you are not!”
Loyal Story
The aspiring story writer was telling his friend, “My stories are like dogs.”
“Why do you say so?”
“Well, whenever I send them, they come back to me.”
Grammar Expert
Sohan: “I spent eight hours on the grammar book last night.”
Mohan: “It’s good that you spent so much time studying Grammar.”
Sohan: “Who said anything about studying? The book was under my pillow when I went to bed.”
Swimming Prohibited
The guard was doing his rounds when he noticed a man in the lake. He shouted, “Don’t you know swimming in this lake is prohibited?
The man in the water gasped, “I’m not swimming, I’m drowning!”
“Then its alright”, said the guard and continued on his rounds.
Birthday Query
The five year old goes up to her mother and asks, “Mom, how long is it for my birthday?”
“Not very long dear, why?”
“Well”, said the girl, “I was just wondering whether it was time for me to begin being a good girl.”
Budding Drummer
Siddhant was pestering his dad for a drum. His dad said, “No way you are getting a drum. You will keep playing it. It will be too much of a noise and I will not be able to read or relax.”
“Please, Dad,” said Siddhant, “Please buy me the drum. I promise, I wont disturb you. I’ll play it only when you are asleep.”
Birthday Present
Mona’s dad asked her what she wanted for her birthday.
Mona: “I want a watch that tells time.”
Dad: “Why, doesn’t your watch tell the time?”
Mona: “No I have to look at it.”
Cold Drink!
The lady was crying as she was being taken away by the police for killing her husband.
The policeman asks her, “Why then did you poison your husband, if you loved him so?”
Lady cries even louder, “I was only carrying out his orders. It was he who asked me for a drink that will make him absolutely cold.”
Your Honour!
The judge said to the accused, “Now you take an oath that henceforth you will never cut the pockets of people.”
Accused: “Your honour, that’s not possible.”
Judge asks, “Why is it not possible?”
The accused replies, “Because I am a tailor.”
Tina complains
Tina was whining, “I don’t like my new teacher at all.”
Her mother asked, “Why not dear?”
“She told me to sit in front for the present,” said Tina, “but she didn’t give me the present.”
Shaving Brush
The father exclaimed one morning, “There is something wrong with my shaving brush!”
On hearing this, the little son replied, “But it was alright when I painted my toy with it.”
Soman visits the Doctor
Soman goes to the doctor who remarks, “You are looking better this week.”
“That’s because”, explains Soman, “I followed the instructions on the bottle of medicine that you prescribed for me.”
“That’s good,” said the doctor “What were the directions?”
“The bottle said, ‘Keep the bottle tightly closed”.
Peter’s marks
“But Ma’am,” said Peter, “I don’t deserve a zero.”
“Yes, that’s true,” replied the teacher, “but it’s the lowest mark I’m allowed to give”.
Sushma’s weight loss
Sushma was on a slimming down spree. After some weeks she bumped into Sowmya. Sushma said, “I lost a lot of weight in the last month.”
Sowmya, “But I can’t see it.”
“Well”, said Sushma, “How could you? I have lost it.”
Typewriter Stolen
The thief was not admitting to having stolen the typewriter from the store. So they had it brought to the courtroom. And the judge asked: “Did you not steal this typewriter?”
“Oh!” exclaimed the thief with mouth wide open, “ Was this a typewriter? And I thought it was a cash register!”
Who me?
Teacher: You stand up.
Student: Who me?
Teacher: Yes, you.
Teacher: Where do you stay?
Student: Who me?
Teacher: Yes you.
Student: At Colaba, Miss.
Teacher: What is your name?
Student: Who me?
Teacher: Yes you.
Student: Prakash.
Teacher: What is your age?
Student: Who me?
Teacher: NO ME
Student: Oh, you may be between thirty and thirty-five.
Healthy Johny
After inspecting Johny the doctor put down his stethoscope and said, “You are fit as a fiddle, my child.”
“ Is that so?” said Johny, “Then give me back my 100 Rs”.
Book worm
An avid reader just moved house with her belongings, and cartons after cartons of her books.
As the delivery man put down his last carton of books, he grumbled, "For God's sake, madam, why didn't you finish reading all these before you came?"
Truant Teenager
Inspector to a teenager, "Do you have a good explanation for wandering about at this time of the night?"
Teenager: "If I did, I would have gone home to my mom long back."
Buying baby
Sonia goes to the hospital with her mother to see her aunt's new baby. Her mother puts money in the cradle and says,"This is for the baby."
When they are leaving, Sonia reminds "Mom, don't forget to take the baby, we have paid for him."
-
Trip to Heaven
The moral science teacher says in her class, "All those who want to go to heaven, raise their hands." The teacher finds all hands up except one.
She asks, "What about you Ranjit, don't you want to go to heaven?"
Ranjit replies,"No, I can't. My mother has told me to come home straight from school."
Tooth loss
Jimmy's mom sees him coming into the house, "Oh no, Jimmy, you have been in another fight. You have lost your front tooth!"
"No mom," says Jimmy, "I have not lost it. I have got it in my pocket."
Persistent salesman
"No, No Go away," shouted the lady at the salesman at her door, "I cannot see you."
"That is fine, madam," said the salesman, "I am selling spectacles."
Sohail brags
"There is something I can do that nobody else in my school can do, not even the teacher!" brags Sohail.
Anuj asks, "What is that?"
"Read my handwriting."
Runaway prisoner
A constable was escorting the prisoner to the court when his cap blows off. "Shall I go and get it for you?"asks the prisoner
"So that you can run away?" says the constable, "Don't try to outwit me. You stand here, and I will get it."
Steve's good deed
Steve was travelling by bus when he notices that the lady next to him has left back a packet. He calls her and gives her the packet. She says, "Leave it there, it is my husband's lunch. He works in the Lost Property office."
Pretty when dirty
Sonia's neighbour spots her coming back from play and remarks, "Oh Sonia, you're pretty dirty."
"Aunty, I look more prettier when I am clean."
Copy Cat
Teacher asks the first Standard students, "There were 5 cats on the wall, one jumped down, so how many are left on the wall?"
Johny says, "None Ma'am"
"Why?"
"Ma'am they were all copy cats."
Mona visits a surgeon
Mona is very unhappy with the shape of her nose. So she decides to consult a plastic surgeon.
"What would you charge to alter my nose?" asked Mona.
"About 25,000 Rs."
"Is there no other cheaper treatment?"
"Oh yes, "said the doctor, "you could try walking into a lamppost."
Bounced cheque
Doctor calls up his patient, "Mr Kulkarni, the cheque which you gave me came back."
"That's funny," said Mr Kulkarni, "so did my knee pain."
Eye check up
Little Tina walks in to the opticians. The eye doctor says "You need glasses"
Tina replies, "Doctor, I am already wearing glasses!"
"Then it is I who need glasses".
Plumber help!
The man gave a ring to the plumber asking him to come urgently. But it was a good eight hours before the plumber turned up.
"How's it going?" asked the plumber.
"Not so bad" said the man, "while I was waiting for you, I taught my wife to swim".
Engagement ring
The young girl asks her lover, "When we get engaged, will you give me a ring?"
"Sure, what is your phone number?"
Writing In The Dark
"Dad, can you write in the dark?", asked Divya.
"What do you want me to write?
"Nothing much, just your name on this report card."
Grammar Class
"Tina, give me a sentence starting with 'I'."
"I is"
"Tina never say I is, say I am".
"Ok, Ma'am, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Gallant Peter
One day the teacher came into the class and said, "All those who think they are stupid stand up."
Nobody stood. After some time Peter stood up.
Teacher asked,"Peter, so you think you are stupid?"
"No, Ma'am, but I couldn't see you standing there all by yourself!"
Mona Shirks Exercise
Mona was being lectured on the importance of including exercise as part of her daily routine.
"When I was your age, I thought nothing of an hour's brisk walk," said her mom.
"I don't think much of it either"
No Problem Watch
The super salesman was trying to sell a watch to an interested customer.
"I can give you an unusual watch. It is a no problem watch. You will never have to repair it. It has no minutes hand,no seconds needle."
"But how can I see the time then?"
"That's easy Sir, just ask anybody."
Bhola Drinks Tea
Bhola walked into the restaurant and ordered for a tea. When the tea came he put two lumps of sugar and started drinking it. The waiter who observed this said," But Sir, you did not stir it!"
Bhola replied,"That's because I dont like it sweet."
Eye Check Up
The little boy was having an eye check up at school.
The doctor asked,"Can you read what is written on the chart?"
"Yes I can read it."
"Then read it aloud for me."
"Why?", asked the boy, "Can't you read?"
Late Teenager
The teenager was once again late. The next morning, the mother questioned him.
"Mom, I was in at quarter of twelve."
"But I heard the clock strike three," said mom.
"Isn't three a quarter of twelve?"
Blind Beggar
Seeing a blind beggar, little Tina was moved and put 10Rs note in his bowl. But she dropped her doll. The beggar picked it up for her. Surprised Tina asked, "But you are not blind."
"Yes I'm not. I'm working for my brother. Today is his day off."
You've Got Mail!
Ranveer kept making repeated visits to the mail box. His neighbour noticed this and asked if he were waiting for some special letter.
"No", said Ranveer, " The computer keeps telling me I have mail."
Tito Visits India Gate
Tito approaches the traffic policeman and asks for directions to India Gate.
Policeman says, "Take the Bus No. 24 and get down at the last stop".
After a long time the policeman happens to pass by the bus stop and sees Tito still at the bus-stop.
He asks,"What happened, gentleman? Didn't you get the bus?"
Tito says, "Now it wont be long, it was the twenty second bus which just went."
Bhola Paints The Room
Bhola was given instructions by his master to finish painting the room till he returned from office.
When the master returns, he is surprised to find Bhola busy painting wearing a leather jacket and also a jeans jacket. Upon being questioned, Bhola replies, "It says on this paint can that it is better with two coats."
Capital Please
The teacher assigns the class to learn the Capitals of all countries over the weekend.
On Monday, she asks Ranjit,
"So, I hope you have learnt all the capitals."
"Yes, Ma'am I have."
"What is the capital of Maharashtra?"
Ranjit answers, "M".
Mona Loses Weight
Mona is overweight. She decides to consult a dietician who advises her that, "Eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and then continue this pattern for two weeks and at the end of two weeks you would have lost 5Kgs."
At the end of two weeks Mona comes back having lost 15 Kgs. The surprised dietician asks her how she did that. Mona replied, "It was difficult and on the third day I thought I was going to drop dead."
Dietician asks,"Out of hunger?"
"No", says Mona, "from skipping".
Tito Finds Weather
Tito Singh was just back from a vacation to a hill station. His friend asks him, "So how did you find the weather there?"
"Easy", said Tito, "I just went out of the hotel room, and there it was."
Suraj is punished
Ravi saw Suraj standing outside the class.
Ravi: Why are you punished?
Suraj: I came late to class.
Ravi: But why did you get late?
Suraj: I just followed a signboard which said, “School Ahead, Go Slow”.
Three and three
Father: Rohini, what did you learn in school today?
Rohini: That three and three are seven.
Father: But dear, three and three are six!
Rohini: Well, I guess I didn't learn anything today then!
Thirsty Fish
Mother: Tina, put some water in the fish tank.
Tina: But why, mom? I put some water yesterday and the fish has not drunk that yet
Test Paper
Mother on seeing her son’s exam papers: Why does your maths answer paper have a big zero over it.
Son: Mom, it's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!
Who Napoleon?
Teacher: Raj, do you know who is Napoleon?
Raj: I don’t know him, Ma’am
Teacher: How come you are in 4th Std and don’t know Napoleon?
Raj: Maybe he is in 2nd Std Ma’am
Doctor! Doctor!
Doctor to his patient: Your test reports have come and I have some bad and very bad news for you.
Patient: Tell me the good news first.
Doctor: You just have 24 hrs to live.
Patient: What! How can there be worse news than that! What is the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to contact you since yesterday.
Shantanu apologises
Shantanu’s father scolds him, “Why did you call Sumita stupid? Go at once and say sorry to her.”
Shantanu goes up to her and says, “Sumita, I’m sorry you are stupid.”
Copy Cat!
Teacher: Peter, your essay on Your pet cat is the same as your twin sister’s. Did you copy hers?
Peter: No teacher. That is because it is the same cat.
Astrologer’s Prediction
A frog goes to the astrologer. The astrologer assures him saying, “You are soon going to meet a beautiful lady who will want to know all about you.”
Frog asks, “Where will I meet her?”
“On the table in her Biology Class.”
Simple Soman
Simple Soman is travelling by a boat when suddenly water starts gushing in through a hole. Everybody panics. But Soman is not and offers a solution “Make one more hole and on the first one write ‘IN’ and ‘OUT’ on the second one so the water will go out through the second one.”
Refrigerator Phobia
A lady went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I need your help.
My husband thinks he is a refrigerator."
"That's okay," the doctor said, "nothing to worry about."
"Maybe," said the woman, "but he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake."
Maths Problem
Teacher: “Rishi, if you put your hand in one pocket and found 10 Rs and 50 Rs in the other, what would you have?”
Rishi: “Somebody else’s pants!”
-
Tito Scuba dives
Tito dons his deep sea diving gear and takes the plunge. He notices a man a little away without any gear. Tito goes down about 40 feet and the man follows. The man without the gear goes down further and Tito follows him and he is surprised how the man could do it. So Tito takes out a waterproof pen and writes to ask him, “How are you able to breathe without your gear?” The man snatches the pen from Tito’s hand and writes, “Dumb Fellow, I am drowning.”
Superstition
Pandu and Dhondu were robbing an apartment when they hear footsteps approaching.
“Come Dhondu let’s jump out of this window,” said Pandu,
“But Pandu we are on the thirteenth floor”
Pandu said, “This is no time to be superstitious!”
B’ in Rose
“Rita how did you get this terrible swelling on your nose?” asked Sheetal.
“I was smelling a brose”
“There is no ‘b’ in rose” corrected Sheetal.
“But there was in this one”.
Exam Fever
Sohail was looking very upset after his maths exams.
Anuj asks him, “What’s the matter Sohail? How were the questions?”
“Good.”
“Then why are you looking so depressed.”
“The questions did not give me any trouble. It was only the answers.”
Lincoln missed the bus
Mrs Smith was telling her granddaughter the story of Abraham Lincoln.
Abraham Lincoln had to face many hardships in his life. When he was small he had to walk 5 miles to get to school everyday.
Little Maya quips in, “Then he should have got up early and gone in the school bus like everyone else.”
Teacher! Teacher!
“Teacher teacher, I can’t solve this problem.”
“Why? Any eight year old will be able to solve this.”
“No wonder, I can’t do it then. I am 11 years old.”
Copy Cat
Teacher: Hasan you copied from John didn’t you?
Hasan: How did you know?
Teacher: John has answered a question saying ‘I don’t know’ and you have answered saying ‘Me neither’.
Illiterate Literate
Bhola was attending the adult literacy programme.
After two classes, his wife asks him, “What did you learn in class today?”
“Oh, I learnt how to write.”
“What did you write?”
“I don't know, they have not yet taught us how to read!”
Building of Rome
Seema: When was Rome built?
Anita: During the night.
Seema: How can you be so sure that it was during the night?
Anita: That is because my father always says Rome was not built in a day!
Absent Please!
The Principal of the school gets a call in the morning
Voice at the other end: My son will not come to school today as he has a bad cold.
Principal: May I know who is speaking?
Voice at the other end: This is my father speaking!
Good Samaritan Robinhood
Teacher: Why did Robinhood steal only from the rich?
Student: Because the poor did not have anything worth stealing.
Grammar Expert?
Hemant: Are you good at Grammar?
Suhas: Yes and No
Hemant: What do you mean, yes and no?
Suhas: Yes, I am no good at Grammar!
Schoolphobia
Monica has just joined school and after some days a visitor to her house asks her
“So Monica, how do you like going to school?”
“The going part is good and the coming home part is great, it is the in-between part which is boring.”
The Ideal Excuse
Teacher: Deepak, where is your homework?
Deepak: Teacher, I lost it while fighting this boy who was going around saying you are not the best teacher in school.
Maths Expert
Teacher: What is two and two?
Ravi: Four
Teacher: Ravi, that’s good.
Ravi: Good! But that’s perfect!
Rony’s transformation
Rony was sporting a new look- coloured hair, earring in his ear, flashy clothes…
Sonia met him and was stunned at this change in Rony.
“Rony, what’s come over you? My, you have changed a lot.”
“Sonia,” replied Rony, “I too don’t like this new look, but atleast now it stops my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.”
Who’s the Boss?
Tina’s aunt had come over to take care of her as Tina’s parents had to go out of town for some days. At the dinner table, Tina saw her aunt sitting on her father’s chair.
Tina said, “ Aunty, don’t sit there. That is dad’s seat.”
“It doesn’t matter Tina,” said her aunt, “Since dad is not here, I can take the seat as I am the boss now.”
Tina replied, “If you're the boss, you sit over there -- in Mama's chair!"
Johny bakes a cake.
It was Little Johny’s day to help his mother in the kitchen. Finally as she took out the cake from the oven, he even helped her to put on the icing. Johny’s father wishing to encourage him complimented him on his work,
“Johny you have decorated this cake wonderfully. How did you manage to put the icing on so evenly?”
Johny replied, “I licked it”.
Rahul goes shopping
Rahul goes upto the grocer and reads out a list
½ kg sugar at the rate of 10 Rs kilo
1 kg potato at the rate of 8 Rs kilo
¼ kg peas at the rate of 20 Rs kilo
How much does that come to?
Grocer: That would be 18 Rs.
If I gave you a 50 Rs note how much would you give back?
Grocer: I would give you back 32 Rs.
Rahul: Well, Thank you. I don’t want to buy anything. Just that it is my maths test today and I needed a little help.
Worms are healthy
Tony: “Dad, are worms healthy to eat?”
Dad: “Why do you ask that?”
Tony: “There was one on the fruit that you just had”.
Bhola follows instructions
Bhola’s cough is not getting any better. Doctor asks, “Bhola have you bought the medicine that I prescribed for you.” Bhola: “Yes, Doctor saab, and I have followed the instructions on the label”.
Doctor: “Show it to me, but this bottle is full, have you not taken the medicine?”
Bhola: “It says on the carton- Keep the bottle firmly closed- So I have not opened the seal at all.”
Icy Duel
Mom sees Rajan and Venu fighting with each other.
“While you’ll are fighting, this ice-cream here is melting.” said Mom, “Whose is it?”
Rajan shouts out from beneath Venu, “That is what we are fighting over”.
Tito draws a ring
The drawing teacher asks the class to draw a perfect ring without using a compass.
Tito is nervous as he cannot draw a perfect circle.
So he draws a square and hands it over.
“Tito,” said the teacher, “I told you to draw a ring, not a box”.
Tito replies, “But Miss, the ring is inside the box”.
Soman goes bald
Simple Soman was using his electric razor to remove all his hair from his head. His friend asks, “Soman, why are you shaving yourself bald?”
Soman says, “I want to apply this oil”.
“But for that why are you going bald?” asked his friend.
“Well because,” Soman explained, “the instruction on the bottle says - apply it directly on the scalp”.
Late than ever!
Little Beena awoke earlier than usual and was lying in bed when she heard the grandfather clock strike five. But it didn’t stop there. It went on… 7,8,9,10,11,12,13… and still it didn’t stop. She ran to her parents asleep in the next room and awoke them shouting, “Get up! Get up! It’s later than it ever was!”
Molly X-rayed
Tiny Molly was told to take an X-ray of her hand to rule out any fractures owing to her fall. She came out beaming, “They took a picture of my bones”.
“That is right, dear” said her mother, “did everything go all right?”
“Oh yes, and the amazing thing was I did not even have to take my skin off!”
Devout Parvati
Parvati on her way to the temple is given two coins, one for the donation box and other to spend on herself. A coin slips out of her hand and rolls along and falls into a gutter. Looking in sadly through the sewer grates Parvati sighs, “Oh there goes God’s coin”.
Karamchand helps out
A burglar entered Karamchand’s house. When he saw Karamchand awake he said, “Don’t move or I will shoot. I am searching for your money”.
“Then switch on the light,” said Karamchand “and I will search with you”.
Doubling Coins
Two-year-old Solly was playing on the floor when she swallowed a coin. Her mother saw this and ran to her and holding her upside down pounded her on the back. Out came two coins.
Now frantic she yelled to her husband, “Solly had swallowed a coin and now has coughed up two coins. What shall we do?”
Her 8-year-old son who was observing all this said, “Mom keep feeding her coins and we will keep getting it doubled”.
God’s Picture
In the drawing class, the children were instructed to draw pictures of whatever they wanted. The master asked a boy, “What’s that a picture of?”
Boy: “It is the picture of God”.
Master: “But no one knows what God looks like”.
Boy: “Well, they will, when I finish this picture”.
Evils of Alcohol
A father was teaching his young son the evils of alcohol. To emphasise himself further he demonstrated by putting a worm in a glass of water and another in a glass of alcohol. The worm in the water lived while the one in alcohol died.
“So now what does that show you, my son?”
“Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms”.
Teenage Scientist
A teenage girl was seated next to a scientist on the flight. Not knowing who he was and to make idle conversation she asked, “Hello, what do you do, Sir?”
Scientist: “I study science”
Girl: “You are studying science? Oh I finished with it when I was in my tenth”.
Grammar Lesson
In the grammar class, Mrs. Seth said, “Sohail, give me a sentence with a direct object”.
Sohail: “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school”.
Mrs Seth: “Thank you, Sohail. But what is the object?”
Sohail: “To get the best marks”.
Homework Hijacked
The young student was looking very dejected, so her teacher asked, “What’s the problem, Roopa? I hope it’s not the homework again”.
“Uh, actually it is madam,” said Roopa, “I was foolish and made my homework paper into an airplane”.
“Now that was not a bright thing to do”, agreed the teacher, “but you can unfold it and hand it over just this once”.
Roopa said looking even sadder, “But that won’t work either, as the plane was hijacked”.
Museum Visit
The fifth standard was on an educational trip to the museum. As they went through the museum, the teacher observed Ravi walking with his hands on his eyes.
The teacher questioned him on his strange behaviour, “Why are you walking around like that?”
“ Well”, said Ravi, “if I don’t see anything, I don’t have to write about anything”.
Wet Marks
Nishit came home from school looking very depressed.
“What is the matter, son?” asked his mother.
“Oh, it’s my marks,” said Nishit, “they are all wet”.
“What do you mean all wet?”
Nishit explained, “I mean they are all below C-level”.
Horse turned dog!
In the art class, the students were asked to draw a dog. When they completed it and Subhash went up to show his creation to his teacher, the teacher complimented him on his excellent drawing. Subhash told his teacher, “I actually can’t draw a dog. So when I have to draw a dog, I draw a horse and it always looks like a dog”.
No school, please!
Young Tina was crying that she didn’t want to go to school.
“But why, Tina?” asked her mother.
Tina whined, “ I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!”
Spinach lover
Parul was to have lunch at Reena’s house. Reena’s mother asked her whether she liked spinach. “Oh, yes, aunty. I love it,” said Parul
At lunch Reena’s mother observed that Parul had finished off everything on her plate except the spinach. So she asked, “But Parul, I thought you said you love spinach”.
“Yes, aunty,” Parul explained, “but not enough to eat it”.
Good Deed
Raju was late for his Value Education class. Teacher asked him severely, “Why are you so late?”
“Yesterday you told us to do a good deed everyday. So I was helping an old man cross the street”.
“Now that is a nice thing to do”, said the teacher, “But what made you so late?”
“Well, you see,” said Raju, “he didn’t want to go”.
Watch the speed!
Mr Kulkarni to his driver: Bhola, drive slowly.
Bhola: “Saab, you said you have to reach the hospital fast”.
Mr Kulkarni: “Yes, but not as a patient”.
Bipin saves money
Bipin: “Dad I saved your money today.”
Dad: “That’s great. How did you do it?”
Bipin: “I have failed in all the subjects. So now you need not buy me new books this year”.
Vishal is polite
Sister Clara observes Steve entering the class with dirty hands.
“Steve, wash your hands. What would you say if I came to teach you with hands dirty like that? “
Steve smiled and said, “I think I would be too polite to mention it”.
Vineeta takes a message
Vineeta, who was four years old, was alone in the house when the phone rang.
Vineeta answered it and was told that it was Mr. Ghosh who was calling.
Vineeta: “I’m sorry, but no one is here. Can I take a message?”
After a pause, Mr. Ghosh heard, “Ok, Mr Ghosh, how do you spell your name?”
“G.H.O.S.H”
After a long pause…
“How do you make a G?”
Deepak is brave.
Deepak came home from school with a black eye and blood oozing from his lips. His mother sighed, “Oh Deepak, you have been in another fight!”
“But, Mom, I was just saving a little boy from being beaten by a big boy”, said Deepak. Mom said, “Now that was brave of you my dear. Who was that little boy?”
“Me, Mom”.
Ideal Woman
Bhutta: “How come you never married?”
Tito: “I kept looking for an ideal woman”.
Bhutta: “And you never found her?”
Tito: “Oh sure, but she was looking for the ideal man”.
Anil takes a nap.
Teacher spots Anil sleeping in her class.
Teacher: “Somu, wake up Anil”.
Somu: “You were the one who put him to sleep. You wake him up”.
Tito’s Predicament
Tito was advised by the doctor to run five miles per day and come back for another check up next week.
On the day of appointment Tito calls to say he cant make it for the check up. Doctor asks the reason. Tito replies,”How can I? I am thirty five miles away from there?”
No Studies!
Son: Mom, I am going to give up studying.
Mom: Why is that?
Son: Just yesterday I heard that someone was killed because he knew too much.
Doctor! Doctor!
Doctor: What is the problem?
Patient: I snore so loudly that I wake myself up. What can I do?
Doctor: Sleep in another room.
Spectacular Spectacles
Sunayna is carrying three pairs of glasses. Her friend Monica asks her why she is carrying so many pairs of spectacles.
Sunayna replies: “ One pair is for reading, other for distance vision and the third is to look for the other two.
Clever Pills
Kartar : How come you are so clever?
Banta : I take clever pills.
Kartar: Please let me have some of the pills.
Banta: Here, take two.
Kartar: But these aren’t clever pills, they are toffees!
Banta: See, they are starting to work already.
-
MARRIAGE
> >
> > # Thought 1 #
> > When we are born, our mother's get the compliments
> > and the flowers.When we are married, our brides get
> > the presents and the publicity. When we die, our
> > widows get the life insurance. What do women want to
> > be liberated from?
> >
> > # Thought 2 #
> >
> > The average man's life consists of :Twenty years of
> > having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty
> > years of having his wife ask the same question;and at
> > the end, the mourners wondering too.
> > >--------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > # Thought 3 #
> >
> > A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice
> > from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will
> > fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped
> > and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man
> > was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was
> > going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted,
> > "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car
> > will run over you, and you will die." The man did as
> > he was instructed, just as a car came careening around
> > the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. "Who
> > are you?"
> > "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
> > "Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were
> > you when I got married?"
> >
> > >--------------------------------------------------------
> > # Thought 4 #
> >
> > Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the
> > radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
> > aisle to give her away to groom.They reached the altar
> > and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and
> > placed something in his hand.
> >
> > Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to
> > the father by the bride. The father could feel the
> > suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to
> > divulge the secret and say something. So he announced
> > "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my
> > life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter
> > gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally
> > returned my credit card to me."
> > The whole audience including priest started laughing
> > but not the poor groom!
-
One fine day*, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and
drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,built
like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver
and said, *"Big John doesn't pay*!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek?
Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy
about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made
a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big
John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. *He
signed up for body building courses, karate, judo*, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt
really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again
got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "*And why
not?* "
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "*Big John has a bus
pass* ."
*Management Lesson*: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before
working hard to solve one."
-
When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough
When I don't do it, I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it, he is busy,
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,
When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,
When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When I am out of the office, I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked
When I do good, my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong, he never forgets
-
Santa was shifting his residence. He was packing his belongings. By midnight he was too tired and dozed off with the house door open.
A sound woke him up. A thief was packing valuables. Santa found it very amusing; the thief was doing the job for him! "When this smart guy finishes packing, I will catch him".
Santa was a hefty guy; so when the burglar finished packing, Santa Singh jumped on him and tied him up. Then he went to the police station and reported the matter.
"What did you do to the thief"?
"I tied his hands; you come and collect him".
"I hope you tied his legs too".
Santa felt a cold feeling in his spine; he had forgotten about the legs. He sat down for a while. Then he cheered up and said, "Inspector Sab, the thief, he will still be there".
"How do you know"?
"Well, that fellow is a Sardarji
-
Banta and and son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a couple of hours gave them not much to do, so the son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious so he asked his father some questions.
"How does this boat float?"
Banta thought for a moment, then replied, "Don`t rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again Banta replied, "Don`t rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked Banta, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, Banta replied, "Don`t rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
Banta immediately assured him, "Of course not, son. If you don`t ask questions, you`ll never learn anything!"
-
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!'
But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'
Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'
Well, the kids hate me for one,
and the teachers hate me, too!'
Oh, that's no reason not to go to school.
Come on now and get ready.'
Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'
Well, for one, you're 52 years old.
And for another, you're the Principal!
-
This a fwd. mail...regarding Junk e-mails!
M-A-H-A-B-H-A-R-A-T
Krishna: Arjun, Try to respect the e-mails of your colleagues.
Arjun: But Vasudev, how dare I send junk mails to my honourable elders, who
are logged on to honourable domains ?
Krishna: Paarth, at this moment they neither are your friend nor your foes.
They are mere mail-users. So follow your Net-dharma. Logon and send
dozens of junk mails. This is your Karma and this alone is your
Dharma.
Arjun: Murari ! After seeing all this, I feel like resigning from the
company itself
Krishna: Bandhu, it seems you are caught in a vicious circle of Maaya. In
this material world you have none and you are commited to none. Junk
mails have existed before you came to this world and shall remain long after
you are gone. Rise above this Maaya and perform your duty. Just keep sending
junk mails.
Arjun: But Devaki Nandan...........!
Krishna: ...Victory or failure is not in your hands. So stop pondering
about results. Don't waste your knowledge on the junk shastra bestowed by
your Guru.
Arjun: Hey Keshav, how is junk mail related to
the 'system'?
Krishna: Junk mail is just junk mail. It has no connection with Hardware.
However, it is another matter that it overloads the system... fills up the
hard disk....but you are not supposed to worry about it. Listen Kunti
putra, the way Aatma leaves one physical body and moves onto another,
likewise these junk mails move from system to system.
Arjun: How can one define junk mail?
Krishna: Neither fire can burn it.., nor air can dry it... neither it can
be conquered nor it can be defeated. He who sends junk mails cannot be
looked down upon even by Mahadev... Junk mails are immortal.
Arjun: Hey Narayan! Now all my doubts on junk mail are crystal clear. You
have opened my eyes Yashoda Nandan, or else I would have lost Myself in
Maaya and read all the junk mails myself.
MAHAAABHAAAAARAT .............
Years have passed since then, generations have come and gone,
seasons have cycled, technology advanced, but junk mails remain. So, go on,
contribute something to the history by hitting that forward button yet again to
send This junk mail to all !!!!!
-
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida old age home.
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for
a number of years.
Now, one evening, there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After some 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective rooms. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes'
or
did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
recall.Not even a faint memory. When he tried to see her, he found that
she had gone to visit her daughter.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he
explained to her that his memory was not as good as it used to be. Then
he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a
little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would
marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, I will' and I meant
it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
-
A woman's husband had been slipping in
and out of a coma for several months,
yet she stayed by his bedside every
single day. When he came to, he
motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know
what? You have been with me all through
the bad times. When I got fired, you
were there to support me. When my
business failed, you were there. When I
got shot, you were by my side. When we
lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you
were still by my side... You know
what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
-
Om Sai Ram...
:D :D :D ;) ;) ;) ;D ;D ;D :) :) :) :D :D :D
Jai Sai Ram...
-
A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarian's office. The vet immediately brought him into an examining room.
The vet carefully examined the parrot, and then said to the man, "I'm sorry, but this bird is dead." The man began to cry, "No! No! That can't be true! I want another opinion."
The vet thought a second, then said, "okay," and left for the back office. He returned with a Black Labrador retriever. The Black Lab sniffed and sniffed the bird, finally letting out a low "woof" sound and looking up at the vet. The vet said to the man, "The dog thinks that the bird is dead too."
The man said, "I don't believe it! I want another opinion!" The vet then left with the Black Lab and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table. The cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged it again and again. Finally, the cat shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the bird. The vet said, "The cat thinks it's dead too." The man sighed and said, "I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?"
The vet said, "That will be $600.00."
The horrified man said, "Six hundred bucks! Just to tell me my bird is dead? That's ridiculous! That's outrageous!"
The vet then said, "Well, I was going to charge you $50.00, but then I had to include the Lab fees and CAT scan."
-
A Punjabi and a Bengali were arguing about the number of martyrs their states had produced. They agreed on pulling one hair out of the beard of the other, if they could come with a historic figure who gave his/her life for the country.
Punjabi started with 'Lala Lajpat Rai', and pulled one hair out of the Bengali Babu's beard.
The Babu moshai said 'Subhash Chandra Bose', and pulled one hair from Punjabi's beard.
The names kept coming.
'Bhagat Singh'
'B.C. Chatterjee'
'Sukhdev'
'Chandra Shekhar Azad'
Punjabi was starting to fall short of names. He came up with 'Jhallianwala Bagh!!!' and pulled the Babu's beard away.
-
4 men - a Marathi, Bengali, Gujrati and our Santa were being interviewed for a top job. With nothing to choose between them, the President told them over dinner that the decisive test would be carried out the following morning, with each candidate being asked the same question and the best answer would get them the job.
The next morning, first up was the Marathi. "Here's your question," said the President, "What's the fastest thing in the world?" Without hesitation, he replied "A thought, because it takes no time at all." "Very good answer," said the President.
Next up was the Gujrati, "What's the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president. "A blink," replied the Gujju almost instantaneously, "cos you don't think about a blink. It's a reflex." "Good answer," replied the president.
Next was the Bengali, "What's the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president. The Bengali thought for a moment, "Electricity, because you can flip a switch and 20 miles away a light will go on immediately." "That's a great answer," replied the president.
Finally, it was our Santa's turn. "What`s the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president. Scratching his head Santa replied: "Diarrhoea, because last night after dinner I was lying on my bed when I got these awful stomach pains and before I could think, blink or turn on the light....."
-
Look at this following website (might need broadband as it is flash content)...
http://www.lifeinitaly.com/flash/
In a humorous way, it depicts the chaos of life in Italy. Italy afterall is not that different from India!
-
Hi everybody,
Enjoy this joke.......
Before Marriage - - -
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage - - - simply read from bottom to top.
-
Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a
tiger that
looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his
pack and
pulled out a pair of Nike.
His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are
going to
make you run faster than that tiger?"
I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied.
"I just
have to run faster than you".
-
Wedding Query....... . (SQL Server Stored Procedure Style)
CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
@ BrideGroom Char(NotBad) ,
@ Bride Char(Good)
AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides
WHERE
FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND
CarCount > 2 AND
HouseStatus ='TwoStoreyed' AND
BrideEduStatus='PG orAbove' AND
HavingBrothers='NO' AND
HavingSisters ='No' AND
AllowRelocate ='YES'
SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalan ce FROM FatherInLaw
UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyB al = MyBal + FatherinLawBal
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherinLawGold
INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW')
END
GO
.
.
.
Then the wife writes the below query:
DROP HUSBAND
-
Hi,
This is a real story of a young college girl who passed away last
month in chennai.
Her name was Priya. She was hit by a lorry. She is working in a call
centre. She has a boy friend named
Shankar. Both of them are true lovers. They always hang on the phone.
You can
never see her without her handphone.
In fact she also changed her phone from Airtel to Hutch, so both of them
can be on the same network, and save
on the cost.
She spends half of the day talking with shankar. Priya's family knows
about their relationship. Shankar is very close with
Priya's family. (just imagine their love) . Before she passed away she
always told her friends "If I pass away please burn
me with my handphone" she also said the same thing to her parents.
After her death, people cant carry her body, I was there. A lot of
them tried to do so but still cant , everybody including me, had tried
to carry the body, the result is still the same. Eventually, they
called a person who know to one of their neighbours, who can speak with
the soul of dead person , who is a
friend of her father. He took a stick and started speaking to himself
slowly.
After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses something here". then her
friends told that person about her intentions to burn her with her
phone. He
then opened the grave box and place her phone and SIM card inside the
casket. after that they tried to carry the body. It could be moved and
they carried it into the van easily. All of us were shocked.
Priya's parents did not inform Shankar that Priya had passed away. After
2 weeks Shankar called Priya's mom.
Shankar :...."Atte, I'm coming home today. Cook something nice for me.
Dont tell Priya that I'm coming home
today, i wanna surprise her." Her mother replied....."You come home
first, I wanna tell you something very important." after he came, they
told him the truth about Priya.
Shankar thinks that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said
"dont try to fool me - tell Priya to come out, i have a gift for her
Please stop this nonsense". then they show him the original death
certificate to him.
They gave him proof to make him believe. (Shankar started to sweat)
He said... "Its not true. we spoke yesterday. She still calls me.
Shankar was shaking. Suddenly, Shankar's phone rang. "see this is from
Priya, see this..." he showed the phone to priya's family. all of them
told him to answer.he talked using the loudspeaker mode. all of them
heard his conversation.
Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It is the actual voice of
Priya & there is no way others could use her SIM card since it is nailed
inside the grave box they were so shocked and asked for the same
person's (who can speak with
the soul of deal perosns) help again.
He brought his master to solve this matter. He & his master
worked for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing which really shocked
them...
Hutch has the best coverage. Wherever you go, HUTCH networkfollows!!!
HaHaHaHaHahahahahahaa...
Joke of The Day...
-
Who is clever???...
One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night and Didn’t Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time. On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name.........................( 2 MARKS ) Q.2. Which tyre burst ?...............( 98 MARKS )
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right.....!!!
True story from IIT Bombay...Batch 1992-96
-
A 16-year-old boy comes home with a brand-new Porsche one day. As you might expect, his parents freak out a little bit.
"Where on Earth did you get that car?" demands his mother.
"I bought it today," the boy calmly replies
"With what money?" his parents exclaim. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"With my allowance money," answers the boy. "It was just 15 bucks. And look, here's the title to it!"
This gets the parents even more worked up. "Fifteen bucks??? Who the heck sells a brand-new Porsche for fifteen bucks?" they ask.
"It was the lady that just moved in up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Well, there must have been some kind of mistake," says the mother.
Turning to her husband, she says, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walks up the street, where he finds an attractive middle-aged woman in the front yard planting petunias. He introduces himself and says he's looking for a woman who just sold a Porsche to his son.
"Oh, yes," she responds. "That was me. I hope he's enjoying it!"
"Er... yes, very much," replies the father. "But to tell you the truth, we can't understand what just happened. Why in the world did you sell it for such a low price?"
"Well," she says, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend that he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't plan to come back. He said he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
-
Despite the Old saying "Don't Take Your Troubless & Worries To Bed" Most of the People still sleep with their wives!!!
-
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ?till I get there
-
Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for
the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to
me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said:
"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the
electric chair."
-
Men and women on earth die and go to heaven. God comes and says
"I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who dominated their
women, and the other one for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I
want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."
Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line
for the men who were dominated by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line
of men who dominated their women there is only one man.
God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you
in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my
sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
-
1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells
her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.
2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
4. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best
Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC
5. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a
forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL
him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we will
just throw him away from our path. Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him
because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.
6. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in
your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in
your life.
7. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
-
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was
named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
-
Essay on Gareeb(Poor) family
Once in a kindergarten, a teacher asked all students to write an essay on the
topic "A Poor Family". One student gets the lowest marks for writing that essay.
The student happens to be the richest girl in the entire class and her essay
goes on as.......
She wrote:
Ek baar ek bahut hee gareeb family thi, husband aur wife dono gareeb they, do
bachey they, woh bhi bahut gareeb they!!
Ghar ke saare naukar bhi gareeb they, ghar ka maali, driver, aur guard bhi bahut
gareeb they. Ghar ke 4 kuttey bhi gareeb they, 2 din sey chicken nahi khaaya
tha.
3 mercedeez car thi, unki bahut time se servicing nahi hui thi, ghar ka A.C bhi
theek nahi chalta tha, aur uppar se ghar mein 1 saal se paint nahi hua tha!!
Family ko holiday ke liye foregin country gaye bhi 6 mahiney ho gaye they, Ghar
ke 5 mein sey 2 TV to chaltey hee nahi they!!!
All in all, bahut hi gareeb family thi!!
-
Teacher : why are majority of south Indians are dark in color?
Student: Because they watch Sun TV, Surya TV, Udaya TV without applying
sunscreen lotion........
-
What's the diff between Dava &d Daru?
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and
Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.
-
Ek baar ek Totaa (Bole to Parrot ) Ud Raha tha full speed par ....
Uske Saamne full speed me ek Ferrari aa rahi thi ...
Dono ki takkar hui ...
Totaa Behosh ...
Raste me Ek Beggar tha
Usne Tote ko uthaya aur Ghar le gaya ...
Usko Marham lagaya ..
Aur Pinjare me rakh diya ...
Jab Tote ko hosh aaya ...
Usne apne aap ko Pinjare me dekha ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
....
Bola ...
"AAILA ... JAIL .... woh Ferrari ka Driver mar gaya kya ??
-
Ramm ka letter sita ke liye punjabi me......
Pyari Sitta,
Main itthe raji khushi se han and hope ke tu v theek thaak hovengi,
Laxman tinnu bahut yaad karda ae.
Main is Bandar de hatth tainnu chitthi bhej reha haan,
Tu bilkul tension na layi main bahut jaldi tenu ravan kolochura lavanga.
Main AIRTEL da postpaid le litta ae, RAVAN nu main mobile te bhot GAALIYAAN
kadiya te SAALE ne katt ditta,
Chal koi ni main aana ta hai hi. Taan KUTUNGA saale KANJAR nu.
Main iss bandar naal ek AIRTEL da prepaid bhej riya haan, oddej 1500 SMS free
wali scheme ha, Tu roz mainu SMS kari.
Chinta na kari, jadd vi gal karan da ji kare, ek miss call mar daiyee. Main
ettho tere naal baat kar levenga.
Tu Mere bill di chinta na kari, Sugreev nu payment da jimma de ditta ae
Accha OK
See Uuuu.
With Luv
Dashrath da Vadda Puttar "RAM"
-
JUGDE NOT
I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, Not by the beauty of it all, by the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp-- the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in Hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal? I would love to hear your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake.
And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."
"Hush, child," said He. "They're all in shock. No one thought they'd see you."
Judge NOT
-
COMPUTER PROGRAMMING SONGS...
# Local variable
Mein pal do pal ka shayar hoon,
pal do pal meri kahani hai
pal do pal meri hasti hai..
# Global variable
Main har ik pal ka shayar hoon
har ik pal meri kahani hai
har ik pal meri hasti hai
# Null pointers
Mera jeevan kora kagaz
kora hi reh ***.
# Dangling pointers
Maut bhi aati nahi
jaan bhi jati nahin.
# Goto
Ajeeb dastan hai yeh
Kahan shuru kahan khatam
Ye manzilen hain kaun si
Na woh samajh sake na hum
# Two Recursive functions calling each other
Mujhe kuchh kehna hein
mujhe bhi kuchh kehna hein
Pehle tum, pehle tum.
# The debugger
Jab koi baat bigad jaye
Jab koi mushkil pad jaye
Tum dena saath mera hamnawaz.
# From VC++ to VB
Yeh haseen vaadiyan
Yeh khula asmaan
Aa *** hum kahan.
# Untrackable bug
Aye ajnabi, tu bhi kabhi, awaaz de kahin se.
# Unexpected bug (esp during presentation to client)
Ye kya hua, Kaise hua, Kab hua, Kyon hua.
_________________
-
One day a Florist goes to a Barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot
accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service." The Florist
is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes
to open his shop, there is a Thank you card and a dozen roses waiting
at his door.
A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the
barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am
doing a Community Service." The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The
next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank
you Card; and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.
An Indian IT Programmer goes for a haircut and he too goes to pay the
Barber and the Barber replies: I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from
you ; "I am doing a Community Service." The Programmer is, of course,
very happy and leaves the shop. Well now, the next morning when the
Barber goes to open his Shop, guess what HE finds there?????????????
He finds a dozen of ..................????
Keep scrolling down!!
... A DOZEN DESI SOFTWARE ENGINEERS WAITING FOR A FREE HAIRCUT
-
A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Finally he decided to write a letter to God requesting Rs.50.
When the Postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they decided To forward it to the head of the Finance, Govt.of India. The Head was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a Rs.20. The Head Finance thought this would appear to be a lot of money to alittle boy.
The little boy was delighted with the Rs. 20, and decided to write a
"Thank you" note to God, which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much
for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Finance Ministry, Parliament House, and those Donkeys deducted Rs. 30.00 in taxes
-
om sai ram
-
Musharaf, Manmohan, Aishwarya rai and Sonia are travelling in a train.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly
there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the
tunnel. The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed.
Musharaf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent
slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Sonia is thinking:
These Pakistani are all crazy after Aishwarya. Musharaf must have tried
to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
Aishwarya is thinking:
Musharaf must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got
slapped.
Musharaf is thinking:
Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya.
She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
Manmohan is thinking:
if this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing
sound and slap Musharaf again.
!!! JAI HIND !!!
-
Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA.
A few days later he got this reply:
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates.
Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a press conference :
"Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai."
Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet ----- aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Tohar Bilva.
-
NAME- MAYAWATI
DATE OF BIRTH=28/12/58
WEIGHT=180KG
HEIGHT=4'6"
COLOR=JET BLACK
BEAUTIFUL=LIKE BUFFALO
BIRTH PALACE=CHAMARGAON
DREAM=SHAADI KARUNGI TOH SIRF IS TOPIC PADNE WALE SE....... :)
-
om sai ram
-
om sai ram
-
om sai ram
-
Her Diary & His Diary
................Her Diary....................
Today night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
....................His Diary...........................
Today India lost the cricket match against Bangladesh. Damn it!
om sai ram