To Raviji and other sai bandhus,
I want to make one point clear. I have no unanswered prayers so far of serious nature except one. There is nothing that I yearned a lot and didn't get. Even if I ask for something and HE didn't grant, I didn't take it seriously because I am not so interested in those wishes that I can doubt or get angry on Baba.
But the recent blow HE has given to me, I can't digest. My only grief again is why should HE play with my feelings after all? I may not keep my promises to HIM, I may be a sinner but one thing I can say is I am truly devoted to HIM and not even prayed to any other god and did anything which says if we pray so and so like, our wishes will be granted.
Even in Chilkur, I never prayed for my ardent wish thinking that I requested Baba and when I am in touch with HIM, why should I pray wherein Sthalamahima is there. (I thought that god would be under obligation because sthalamahima can never go wrong and if I pray HE has to grant and it is against my moral that when I tell to Baba, I should wait for His response but not do these kind of things. That is the degree of my faith and devotion towards HIM. I never did care for any Poojas for Jataka Doshas and all and I simply surrendered to His feet. Only with His permission, I performed any poojas.) Only at the end I prayed saying that I am doing that as praying to Baba only.
This is not to boast of me but the amount of confidence HE has given to me. I don't know whether I followed Baba's sayings or not, but I can say that I am always aware that whatever I think, Baba knows. I am also never interested in seeing him in human form or curious to know whether udhi is generated from his photos etc., I am not at all intereste to see such photos also. Because I follow Bharadwaja Masterji's words with respect to such things. Unfortunately we can't follow each and everything. Otherwise, I need not worry and outburst as such.
I request Baba on behalf of everyone here. Never ever promise which you are not interested to give (whatever be the reason for not granting our wish). Let us wail, weep and keep on praying you but never ever promise or say 'Yes'. Because that is the amount of faith we have in you. That is the degree of confidence you created in everyone of us who believe you completely. Yes we may persist even if you say 'No'. Let us be but you need not budge and if you budge keep your promise.
This is completely my request not on behalf of everyone. This is completely related to my own persona.
But we are humans and few of our wishes are such that we can't oblige you no matter what. Baba, if it is only for argument sake, I too can argue. People say that mother gives medicines only for the health of the kid. In the same way, I too can say, whom else we can turn to and ask for our wishes. Mother denies buying icecream or a dress, but can't we insist her for them?
You have only two brand answers. One is either 'Past Karma' and the other is 'Not good for you'. I neither want good nor request you to wipe off my past karma. I will suffer. I have the courage (this is also on the strength of your name and your charitra and the piousness of my heart). Why don't you give me an opportunity atleast to prove myself to me? I do not complain if something goes wrong for I can accept that as a challenge with you. You only said something to me. The Faith, The Truthfulness, Purity of Heart, Devotion, Love etc., etc., I want to know and test the reality in those dictums. Give me a chance atleast.
Do not question me for the things which are beyond my capability and knowledge. You are the person behind the game. You defeated me in every way that I do not have a path now to tread. But I still feel I am the winner morally. You just did this to me, I don't know why. But 'ye kaaranamaitenemi, karnudiki chaave dorikimdannattu', naaku jeevachchavamlaa batakamani cheptunnaavu.
I do not give up, Baba. I am not great like your other devotees. I am a very very common girl but with firm values. I do not want to compromise. Atleast I want an answer if you are genuine. I need answer. Until then I can't rest in peace and this tortures me each and every second. I have the mettle to take the life head on, but I can't live with atmavanchana. I first want to be true to myself. I can't pretend.
I became mad girl in the eyes of others. They say, what your Baba did to you, you said that Baba has promised you. (Baba did a lot to me. I can say that with conviction. But Baba, you should be true in every assurance of yours). It is not the blow in life that I can't take but the way you played with me. Because I live only with my confidence on you. If that is also be blown by you, what is there for me to live? Where and how can I get hope?
Baba, please pardon me for my mistakes. But I again say, I do not deserve this punishment and pain. Come to me once. Talk to me. Do not test me further. I do not want to apply for any test when my soul is not there. If you really want to test me, give me an opportunity. Then I too will prove you, what faith and patience are and how I can stick to you. But this punishment is not acceptable to me. Elaagaite nee maayanu pradarsimchaavo, mallee pradarsimchu. Look Baba, if at all you wish to grant, nothing can come in your way. Literally nothing. Only if you do not, you will start saying the 'Gramphone Record' answers. I too can say to others when they suffer. It is very easy.
I don't want to live with grudge on you. I can never be hypocrite. I can't read charitra on one side and inwardly feel Baba didn't do this to me, HE didn't answer. I know very well that you know my each and every feeling. Please Baba, please come and speak to me. Give me a chance atleast to cry at your holy feet, to shed all my grief with respect to this problem. I feel very empty. I can't feel you in me. You are not giving me answers. How can I live and move without your direction? I can surrender and do what you say but not now. Not with respect to this wish. Please come to my rescue. You can't do this to me. You can't, Baba. It is hightime that I need you. Come to me please and talk to me. I can't live without you either. You need not grant me any wishes again, I do not complain. I can stick to you till my last breath even though you say that 'ninnilaa rakshimchadamide chivari saari'. I never wished to die, but now I am not able to live. Every second I feel like dying and strongly feel that natural death can embrace me. But my parents would be sorry. Why this ordeal for them? They can't see my pain and I can't hide my pain before them. I am going through hell, baba. Come to me. Take me into your arms. I badly need your presence in my heart. I badly need such a feel which I have till few years back.
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To others, once again I confess. The topics I suggested is not to degrade or show baba in bad light. I just want to see light in what we feel as dark and black.
Prasanthi