where r u Baba?

[eve]

You are letting me sink n its leaving me scared. I do not doubt Your existence, you live but i doubt if u'll come n guide me n pull me from the bottomless pit i m sinking into. You know i loved him truly n deeply. You know i got down to my knees n sought forgiveness, i bent down n in utter humility asked for the love that was mine n was taken away from my life. i craved n prayed n suffered. you saw it all. you saw my tears n u saw my scars. you saw the dejection n the hurt. u also saw that i changed n i promised to lead life your way if you bring him back to me.you did not bring him back. you brought memories. i came back empty handed from shirdi. you saw my hurt. you still see it from wherever you are. i loved him n i saw him with another woman. i loved him and saw him creating this new world, without me. i loved him and saw him love another maybe more than what he ever loved me. i loved him and i saw him getting married. i only saw baba. he lives now in a world that doesn't have me. if we had to part why did you bring him at all in my life? both of us loved na so why were u grateful to one? you saw him love me n me love him..so how did he alone find love so immediately after we broke off. i do not even have the consolation now of being loved truly once. what did i do to be left with the the cropse of a lost love? karma? how long do i console myself with the theory of karma? why make me feel so much when it was never meant to be? why baba is there this void in my life? i m sinking n u keep me there. why cant i love anybody ever again? why did this man rob me of everything baba? this is a pain i cannot heal on my own...so i asked you for the first time to break all the chains that bind me to him, asked you to lessen my pain...3 yrs Baba is a long time to see all yr dreams crumble. 3 yrs baba is a long time to keep a heart broken. 3 yrs of pain baba has killed something in me.saburi? how much n for how long? till the time when there's not hope left in me? that stage has already come n yet i cannot find u. i do n did everything human to stay away from him then why this pain still? karma, if its all karma the where are you? why are you the guru? why promise to lessen the burden n bless the tormented of happiness? you made me a woman...u made me in a way that i crave love...u gave this love in my heart..u make me need companionship..u make me strong yet so weak...you make me incomplete without love...u gave me a womb.. n baba everything's lying barren. love is only memories and sad ones at that. i want to move on n i cannot, i pray to you and you do not respond...why baba you see it all n let me sink deeper n deeper. if i was yr daughter baba would you have left me craving for love, a home, motherhood? saw me in this voidness? what all woman naturally has why cant i? why Baba are you somewhwre there n not looking at me?? life is so meaningless...there's no love at home and the person i wanted raped my love n dignity n left...something in me is scarred, something in me is suffering, something in me wants to be as happy as i was when a child...something in me wants to love again...something in me is losing faith. where r u?

[GaneshHariharan]

dear eve, i am sincerely sorry for what has happend to you. but having said that , lets look at it from another angle. It is true that you loved this person with your heart and soul and you also say that "he loved you". if he truly loved you as much or more than you loved him , ask yourself , would this have happend ?also think that if you had got married and then he had left you for somebody else ? so is it not possible that baba did  it for your own good ?. i know in pain
when you tell a person , this pain is for your own good , you feel like hitting the person with a brick on his head. but later when you sit down and think the
practical aspect of the situation you will realize , that what happend , happend for the good. eve, a person who uses you and leaves you as if u were a used tissue paper is not worth the ink his name is written with. not to mention not worth your love. love unfortunately has its twists and turns and many of us
stumble upon many hurdles , sufffer pains to attain "the one". your "the one " is out there somewhere , go and live your life. live your burden to baba.
god bless. om sairam, jai sairam, jai jai sairam.

[adwaita]

Dear eve,

Bygones are bygones. Why are you still struck with his memories? You know that he is very happy with another girl, why are you still wasting your time just thinking about him? God will help, those who help themselves. Pain will not just vanish as soon as you ask baba, you have to first try to forget him. He is in someone else's life. Keep yourself busy with some other work. Listen to good music and be merry. You will get nothing if you sit and cry for something which was never yours. Yes karma plays a vital role in our life. One or the other day the same guy will repent for spoiling and wasting your time. Be confidant and brave. Life is not yet over. Almost everyone has gone through this phase so, you have to help yourself. 3years are too much of time dear, you are still wasting your time. Get up and move on. Baba bless you and give you the best.

om sai ram.

[eve]

i know all of it...music, books, movies, work even attempted relationships i tried it all. i know now that he never loved me...he never did. its close to 3 AM n i cannot sleep. never tried tranquilisers, never will. i have tried everything including stop being in touch with all his friends...i go out with ppl, i m hardly the type who stay at home n cry. but something horribly feels wrong, something has been damaged. can't sleep till 3 and can't go off to sleep without tears...i never was this type. its not between me n him now. its between me n baba...n that hurts me more. small steps his daughter tries to take, small dreams i have now...shouldn't he just give me his hand n help me out of this phase. i know i m wasting time n that's killing but even with all my sincere efforts nothing falls right...i m awake till this time less because of my memories but more because of my dwindling faith...on HIM and that he is somehwere for me.

[aquafish]

Eve,

I am sorry to see u go thru. this....But dont worry...SOmetimes things happen beyond our understanding..I am not that experienced to give u adivice but I can give  u support or the kick u need sometimes...lol..juss kididng...here's a big hug dear...Please take care and keep doing everything u do for urself...baby steps and u will get there...

they say when u dont look for it, love will find u so dont go into a relationship looking for love, it will come to u...lets forget if the guy truly loved u or not...a very deeper understanding is needed to realise or know what happened with u and that guy...there is no way u cna feel better by beating on this guy...right I mean it feels gud now but then u feel bad tat people bashed him up to make u feel better.....

Please just keep faith..I know having saburi sucks...been doing it and u feel cheated out of life when the other person is happy..but trust me everyone has his own issue...maybe he is suffering ina diff way..god forbid we dont want that though.....

we r all here for u...if u want to talk..pleas ehang in there...u will get better...and trust me u will find someone for u soon who will make u forget all this pain and even worth this journey...take care Hon....

Om sai ram

[eve]

hey guys...thanks.

[Well-wisher]

Eve, my friend... who says you cannot love again?

Pardon me if this sounds rude or disturbing but what I fail to understand is...

When you say" I have faith and am hoping and you're not around Baba..." what is it that you are looking for with complete faith?

Is it love? Is it happiness? Is it companionship? Is it the need for emotional security?

Don't be upset my friend. We are all here to be there with you and stand by you thru this pitch dark phase of life which is soon, very soon going to end.

Many a times Eve, we keep getting upset, killing ourself deep withing agonizing over what has happened... not even knowing what is it that we seek now. We keep saying God, I have faith in You but you're not doing anything for me. You're not there for me. You're not holding me. Why am I sulking? Why am I punished? Why only me? Why so long? Why not this? Why not that?

Have you ever thought... with a clear mind... out of all the things in life that make you feel miserable... how much is under the frame of your control and how much not under your control? The past is not under your control right? Its gone, its happened. Lets stop asking for WHYs... trust me even if you get an answer to all the whys on earth... all those tons of answers also put together ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE YOUR SITUATION.

So, step one... lets flush all the whys out of our lives. Most of them have no answers. If we knew answers to everything, we'd be God Himself. That way we can keep asking an unlimited no of questions. "Why so many ppl poor God, why did you mix good and bad in the same world, why so many ppl with disease, why some ppl get such circumstances in life that they cant even know the right path, cant even get out of the sinning cycle, why so many born to bear pain, why so many innocent ppl suffer or die... etc etc etc." And trust me our questions will never end.

THERE IS NO ANSWER TO MOST WHYS. WE CAN WASTE OUR ENTIRE LIFE GETTING ANSWERS FOR THESE & STILL THESE WHYS WILL NEVER GET OVER!

Now its our choice whether we choose to sulk and go round and round trying to find answers to these whys... answers you may never get!

Choose...

If you choose to find answers, trust me... no one can help you my friend.

If you choose to move ahead and make something beautiful out of your life... GOD will be the first one to come to your rescue. And be assured, we are all there to back you up.

Its just two simple things (which only sound simple I agree) you need to do.

Step 1: Accept he's never coming back... for whatever reason it happened... IT HAPPENED. Now theres not much you can do to change the past. It happened. You need to accept it and move onto the next step.

Step two: Now that its final that its happened... WHAT NEXT??? What is it that you seek now from life. Think hard and decide what it is that you seek.

Prioritise first things first. Eg. First I need to get rid of the bitterness, the baggage and negative emotions that hurt, then I need to start finding and doing things that get me peace... make me neutral for sometime... so that I may find peace... then maybe look at what would bring back some amount of positivity in life...like what is it that would make me smile today? What is it that I can do to better myself or build positive karma? What is it that I can happily and willingly give the universe? (No matter how miserable we are, we always have a lot more than at least one person on earth. That means we have the power and capacity to give to the universe. And when we give, we naturally feel much better... our spirit feels better)

Step 3: Now that you know what you need first (top priority) half the battle is won. Work towards it and find ways to reach there. God helps us thru ppl a lot of times. Be open to recieving love, guidance and wisdom. Maybe He's trying really hard to tell you something or teach you something without which you're not able to move forward in life. Be open to His signals. Stop expecting Him to work for you...and for sometime just talk to Him and wait attentively for His clues, His signals... that He already must be giving you through events that happen in your life or people.

God is not a gennie my friend. We cant ask Him to do this or that. Despite that, He always does. Always... But not as per our desires. As per His desires and His plan. The plan He has made for you. And trust me... that plan would be the best plan for you, your soul.

Whatever it is... whether its going thru tests like these and emerging much stronger... and trust me you will! Or something as good as finding the most loving, caring and compassionate partner...who maybe is himself learning life lessons and getting ready for the beautiful relationship he would be sharing with you.

Maybe your future partner is away from you cause somewhere he's learning more about relationships - like being more loyal, considerate, understanding, careing and loving towards his future partner (you). Maybe he's going thru his own lessons that teach him how to treat a woman better. Maybe Gods keeping you away from the perfect match coz he cares for you and doesnt want to expose you to someone who is still not mature enough not to hurt you? So that you only meet the new, more loving, more considerate him and that saves you a lot of further pain and negative experiences....

Possible right??? Think...

[Well-wisher]

Sorry Ganeshji... next time will keep it short...

[GaneshHariharan]

[eve]

hey "well wisher" u r a nice. u took pains to write such a long reply. who cares these days??? in all probability i would not have taken such pains!!! i read yr words late at night...one of those nights when sleep seems like an impossibility. after much twisting n turning i woke up n opened this site n read u..i felt for a moment that baba made u write this. i went off to sleep with the impression. u know i was always considered to be a bright girl..i knew that too. at one time it seemed that the world awaited for me n all that i had to do was go n conquer it. i was a different girl then...n then at an age when most of my friends were getting married, i fell in love n thinghs changed forever..something in me was gone. even happiness. the first year of relationship was very beautiful n the memories of those years always brings a lump to my throat...all the beauty n love gone forever!!!... let me not rant on but i knew what sadness was only when i was in a realtionship n obviously after it...what really hurts/surprises me most is the fact that the girl who thought she can conquer the world is not longer there within me. i do not know if this happenes to everybody who comes out from the protected shell of school/college to find that world is meant for the tough or to everybody who fails in a relationship or is it just the loser me...but i somehow somehow miss the girl most, the girl who was willing n ready to believe. i accept failure these days, i do not dream those dreams, i cry, nothing affects me too much these days, i do not think i can change anything in the world, i do not think i m gifted n most of all i do not think i m special to Baba. n sometimes i wake up thinking "is this what i m going to do with my life?" n a sudden chill, fear grips me coz this is not the way i want myself to be nor did i think this is the way i'll turn out to be. life seems to be slipping away n i m letting it. all those steps i do try to take but something holds me back...probably just myself. like i said i accept failure very easily these days...n then i think that when i die tomorrow how do i justify my existence to my creator. how do i explain the waste i made of myself? oll for one man n the way he broke my heart? or is it him? maybe its just me....
anyways yr words set me thinking in those lines once again...drifted off to sleep n in the morning saw a strange dream...i do not know if its a sign that u r talking about n if it is what it means...i saw myself surfing the net. i promised myself that i'll not chk any of his friends profile that has him in the list. its leaves me disturbed u know...so i saw that i was surfing n saw his profile n saw his stauts changed to "married".. n i saw that he uploaded a few videos of his marriage...these days i have severed my ties with everything that has reference to him...profiles, friends as it affects me negatively. n for some reason although i knew it will leave me sad n depressed if i see the videos of his marriage i still clicked the videos. it was a video of his marriage ceremony...he was there with the girl n smiling n getting married. it was like i saw the marriage ceremony before my eyes...i woke up n the news of him being married struck me afresh but for some reason i did not cry....i never saw a dream of his marriage. m i being told something?

P.S: for some reason i want to believe what u said in the last few paras but the heart's too scared to hope these days.....hope makes it worse to bear u know..

[Well-wisher]

Eve, first of all, am gratified to have received your response. Thank you for reading and not taking it as an offense.

Just to share with you... you're not alone. The young girl you talk about once lived within me. And yes, if it would help you relate better, I was very close to conquering the world...at least all that I could have ever dreamt of and even that which I could never dream of. So be assured I understand your pain. What you feel I feel too. I've equally lost myself. But theres a difference for the past 2-3months.

1. If "is this what i m going to do with my life?" is the question thats come into your mind, pat yourself on ur back and gv credit to urself - finally theres something you realized and am sure the answer to this is NO, I DON'T!

2. What ure suffering from is (wht most ppl do) something known as 'Low Self Esteem'.
:)Not as complex as it feels or sounds once you understand this fact. Work on it!

3. If ure doing wht u say ure doing, ure already on the right track. LOVE urslef, pamper urself like you'd want ur man to pamper you. Dress well, shop well, do all those things to urself you'd want ur dream man to do for you. Why wait for a man when most of it you can do it urself. Treat urself to a movie, a new hobby course, a good book, etc.

4. Whatever the signal is... dont react, dont let it absorb you. Just observe. Just 'BE'.

5. Fears are always there, yet you need to dare to live. Hurt, pain and deciet will try their best to demotivate you, make you LOOSE to situations and fears. You're not a thing! You cant let events and fears rule your dreams. Let your dreams rule the forthcoming events in your life. Let fear succum to you and the God within you. Remember always - Ure always worth much more than every fear, bigger than every pain. Why? Cause theres God within you. And God is bigger than every problem, situation, fear and set-back in life.

LET UR GOD RULE. NOT FEARS!

If u hope & are hurt... you may only feel pain. But if u dont hope... Ure as good as dead my friend. Dont let the fear kill you. Kill every fear within you. If you're here, your a strong girl.

So pick urself up... Get up and conquer the world... The world is still waiting for you!

[gajanan bhakt]

hi eve. read ur post.
i know and understand that watever happened shouldn't have happened. i too had a break up with my Gf few months back. believe me. i know exactly how it feels cos she dumped me for someone else. i trusted her more than anything and she stabbed me in my back.
i had sleepless nites for almost 4 months.
i know wat ever ppl say its hard to forget.
but u know wat. u have done a gr8 thing by sharing ur problem here. people here liek ganesh ji, aquafish , well wisher and everyone else helped me a lot to come out of it.

i know how u r feeling rite now cos i m going thru the same. i want to be with someone too but just dont have those feelings for anyone anymore. rather i dread to be in a relationship again.
but the bottom line is that we cant change the past.
the only thing we CAN CHANGE AND SHOULD CHANGE IS OUR POINT OF VIEW.

u have so many nice people here to guide u in all ur problems. u can seek advice from them.

life is beautiful . all u need is to change ur point of view towards life.

i m sure u will find ur true companion soon. who will make u feel good. who will make u feel wanted. who will really care. and then u will realise that all the advices u have got here are so true.

jus try to accept that wat ever happened has happened for ur own good and something much much better is on its way to come into ur life.. jus be ready to accept the best.

god bless u .

god bless us all who seek love.

jai sai ram

[eve]

its more than 2 weeks that i have last spoken to my parents...they do not want to talk to me anymore. reason? i did not like the guy they want me to marry n told them so. i have a month long holiday n i do not have a home to go to. i m 30 n my parents have every right to worry, i know. its like a quicksand everybody tells me...get hold of something that'll let you out before u sink in... everybody tells me that i m being too finicky n acting too high n mighty. beggars cannot be choosers i m told. i cannot tell them my side of the story. any man will not do. i cannot marry somebody n keep on thinking about my ex all the time. the dishonesty will strangle me. even i want to find somebody, get married, have kids...but not with the dishonesty. i still think about my ex..not with expectation(that he'll call etc) , not with passion, not with "why's" (after well wisher's reply) n not with vengeance...but my mind still goes back to those moments with sadness n sometimes tears. i wonder about his life n what he is doing. thats all. i do not think of ways to meet him or call up his friends to enquire how he is...its passive thing. but its there. he doesnt even come to my mind when i go to chk these ppl my parents forward to me...but i think about him everyday. u know "gajanan' being stabbed in the back is not that bad, if u can hate its not bad also its when u can't forget that it becomes a curse ...the initial months had been traumatic for me but its not as bad as now. i still had time then n i had hope. that someday i'll meet somebody who'll take the pain away n with whom i'll be so complete that i wouldn't even require to think about my ex. it did happen once strangely when i had my worst breakdown (about the time of his marriage, a few months back) n i met this person online...n it was like i m almost healed...he was god gifted n i did not cry those days, even during my ex's marriage day i was fine. the guy stays abroad n called me almost everyday up n we were on phone for hours. i thought i was  finally getting over n then one fine day after a month it just stopped...no calls n then no mails. just like that n for no reason. we talk one day for 4 hrs n then no more calls. i tried to mail n then call n he said he'll call up but it just stopped....god i m becoming a habitual cribber, but sometimes i cannot figure out things. why Baba is doinf this. but thankfully it just proved to me that its possible for me to think n be with another person...but now i m feeling so cornered. marriage. have to make my parents happy also. they're old poor things but how to marry just anybody, n if i decide to wait i'll have to hurt my parents. maybe i'll never be blessed with love ever again...but i just cannot bring myself to marry even if that'll bring peace with my parents...where's love where's hope? where's baba...

[GaneshHariharan]

dear eve, parents will be parents , it is but natural that they worry for you. i have gone thru the same situation bcos right from the very beginning i was against arranged marriages. (this is my personal opinion only). you are right , if you still have that guy in mind it is not the right time to jump into a marriage because with your unhappiness you will make his life also unhappy. but there has to be a time frame and a balance in life right ?. so take some time. i would strongly recommend that you visit your parents , and talk it over heart to heart with them and ask them for some time. i am sure they will understand. take some time off , it will do you good. and time is the best healer. now that you know he is not yours, try to forget him asap. sorry i know it is hard but it is inevitable. procrastination will only bring you and your parents more pain. may sai bless you with happiness always. om sairam, jai sairam, jai jai sairam.

[Admin]

Jai Sai Ram

I am sorry to jump in this topic. Dear Eve, I want you to please spend soem time and read this thread:

http://forum.spiritualindia.org/meri-naiya-doobne-wali-hai-mere-sai-t16774.0.html

Please go through atlest 3-4 pages and read through the posts which was made by priere . Once you complete it, then only start reading from here on:

Whatever little I read so far, I totally understand that what are you feeling. And I can tell you that it feels like an end to ur world and a darkness age is about to start. life become restless without an aim and everywhere it seems darkness. A complete end of the world. This is how you feel it. And it's very hard to come out. This seems to be an endless pain.

Today you are feeling it and yesterday it was me who felt it and tomorrow it will be someone else who will feel the same pain. So I feel you are not alone. we all feel the same atlest once in our life and unfortunatley this how it is.

You will probably surprised to know why I mentioned the link at all. I mentioned about her coz I see I dont see any difference between your condition and her condition .  I guess see made the post exactly 2 yaers back on 23 May 2007 and just after 2 yaers I see a wondeful change. I didnt tell bout this change to anyone in this forum. I had a chnace to speak to her on Yahoo few days back. And when I asked her about her condition, you know what she said , she said I just cannt belive that I made those posts....She was laughing....and I know why she was....


coz for these types of problem, Time seems to be a big healer....you just need to help youself....the sooner the better....you re your best doctor....and if you share your pain,...you will feel better....Trust me the  day will come back and when you read  this post you will certinaly smile...and that day is not so far....

May Sai ma bless you and fuyllfill your wishes.