Dear baba,
You would have heard this a million times...and i am going to be groaning and moaning again. But baba...what do i do?? where do i go?? only u can understand my problem and help me find a solution.
Background:I have been a good student all my life. Studied well, always a topper in school, teachers pet! But then something happened and i snapped in class x i guess. I didnt score well. Then XI and XII were a disaster and i was not able to focus anywhere - there were so many things to do and no focus anywhere. I mean i had to deal with pressure on studies, pressure to perform well in the entrance test, pressure i felt as a teenager. I was afraid of failure, never sure of myself - having tasted failure in Class X. By failure i mean - everyone thought i would be the school topper and score 90% and above. But i got a measly 81% that was way below others in my class. I took that as a failure. I think that is the root cause of my problems - i lost confidence in myself. XI and XII were merciless - i had to prove that i was good...and at the same time my self image took a massive beating because of my physical appearance. I was fat and dark and studious. Somehow i dont know why...but it mattered at that point in life. Well....that also added to the pressure...and i think i lost all belief in self. My mind kept telling me that i was not good at anything. And i lost focus. when i failed to crack the entrance tests, that was the last straw!! I was truly a failure. I did not want to face the world. It was a blow to my self esteem and a blow to my parents, who had worked so hard to give me everything that i asked for. when all the other friends were in IIT or other premier institutes - i, the once topper - Vidya, was doing an ordinary BSc. With great difficulty, i got my focus together and attempted the MCA entrance exams and i would say, it was purely god's grace that i got through them. Although i would say that i focussed better and worked for it, still w/o god's grace i couldnt have done it.
Lesson learned - when i have 10 things on my mind and when i dont have focus on anything, i dont achieve anything. Also, this is the time when i am low in self confidence and knowledge as well. I have not pushed myself to prepare better and did not prioritize the issues assailing me. Had i done that, i would have worked towards a specific activity rather than dissipating all my energy in 10 different directions. And i was desparate to do this for my parents.
Ok, why did i need to highlight the background? Its because i see a repeat in the pattern - then and now.
A little later: I did well in MCA, met the man i would marry, got a good job and did quite well at work. I enjoyed my work, enjoyed the stress IT gave, loved the late nights and night outs, coding and everything. I loved the onsite tours and the money i got. And then i got married. I restricted the late nights and travels and adjusted fairly well. Ok so the m problem remained and in fact remains till today. But its not something that is major. I still worried about my career and promotions. Then i wanted a baby. i was desparate and finally god blessed me with a wonderful bundle of joy. to be honest - i knew that having a baby would change my life and priorities...and i wasnt sure i thought of all that before wishing for the baby. After my child was born suddenly my priorities changed. I wanted to take care of my baby and the very thought of even a 10 minutes delay in reaching home from work, was apalling. I still wanted the promotions and growth but had put so many restrictions on myself that i knew my contemporaries would soon overtake me. I was sad..but thats a choice i made for myself. Then i got into projects where i idled completely. It was the begining of the end of my stint in the organization i had served for more than 7 years. I got used to doing nothing. I spent days after days doing nothing and it kind of caught on. I had to clear a certification program and i whiled away my time for nearly 1 year!! Then when i relocated to another project, i couldnt cope with the pressure and called it quits. Then i joined another organization where the work was not an issue but the politics was!!
Lessons learned: I have to learn to enjoy my current situation instead of wishing for something to happen to seek happiness in it. Happiness lies in now - the present. Thats because what you wish for, you only see the positive side till u want it to happen. Once u get what u wanted, u realize the flip side of that. And one must be ready to accept the pros and the cons both.
Current situation: Right now, i am at a senior position in this organization. I get paid decently. After my mother's death, i am responsible for my father. he is most precious to me and i will do everything to take care of him. As of now, i have been able to purchase a house close to mine for him. the good part is that i can see him daily and he also gets to play with my son daily. Thats a big big plus. Coming to my current problem - I am not happy doign what i am doing at work. The reasons are plenty and i am basically not doing much to elevate myself from this situation. Till last year my concern was my father's relocation. Once that has been done, i now want to focus on my issues.
This can happen anywhere. U need to learn to handle it- I dont like the unstable structure
Adapt or leave.- I dont like the fact that all decisions come from the top and we have no say
This is how this org is. Adapt or leave. but what is the guarantee that this will not happen elsewhere- I dont like the fact that i dont know the domain
Whose fault?? did u ever try to learn? did u ever invest time and effort?? NO!!! learn and grow or get trumped- I dont like the idea of 9 to 6 working since i am not able to devote time to my child
Ok - this is an issue with most org. If u r here, u cant change it. if u go to some other org - u may / may not have this flexibility. Unless and until u specifically target orgs which allow flexi time and wfh- I dont like the fact that i have been whiling away my time brooding over my situation and without aquiring any new skills
U really cant blame anyone here but urself!! Even if u r on the right track, u'll get trodden over if u just sit there. There's just one life. Make the most of it. Again looking at the historical data, whenever i have had multiple issues and lack of focus, i have failed. So if i know the pattern, i can resolve the issue by breaking the pattern. All i need is the desire to excel (maybe as a tribute to my mother), the focus and hard work and confidence in myself- I want to get into a WFH kind of job, but i am not getting any
Keep looking. But that should not be the main focus. Because - as of now ur baby has 2 people to look after him. And u are giving ur best to him. Dont feel guilty. Ur child is fine. Its the guilt of leaving your child with others thats the reason behind your problems. Its not a big deal. Dont worry.- I am trying to look for changing jobs, but no good offer is coming my way (partly because i dont want to travel and the timing restriction)
U need to redo ur cv. Add things into it and keep trying. The basic issue is with the focus and preparation. With focus and preparation comes confidence- I would like to get into teaching but dont have the degree for it and also there will be a massive pay cut. Plus dont know the pitfalls. Unknown territory
Teaching is not a cakewalk. The timings appear good, but the politics and other issues can persist there. Plus the money is low and the other issues i am not aware of. And i dont have the degree for it. I am not going to downgrade myself. I have worked hard to come up till here. I have done my parents proud and have to ensure that they have not suffered in vain.- After my mom's case, i realize that money is important and i need to have enough to help me in my old age
getting into any new career option is a slow and time consuming process involving reskilling. I am not business minded to start a business. I have to work and ensure steady income- Any career option like technical writing and freelance writing etc requires patience and slow buildup. Plus i dont know the pitfalls there. Unknown territory
Again unknown area, need to reskill. Plus money may be low and would start coming in about 3-4 years after starting- To my mind, the only thing that can give me a decent income from home is the stock market. But i dont know anything about it
High risk and lot of learning involved. cant be banked upon for steady income. however, would love to learn this and practice it as a hobby- I need the money because of the EMI and for my father's sake as well as for my old age. SO cant just quit
Money is important. Baby is taken care of. But for money, u need to work it out[/list]
So round and round i go in circles.
Ok....with each point i will list down my thoughts
Conclusion: I need to get rid of the guilt factor of not being there with my child when he needs me. he is turning 5 now. And i have been able to manage till now, then i will surely be able to continue for another 3 - 4 years at least. At least till the time my father and m are able to care for him, i should make the most of it. I need to reskill myself and buildup my confidence. I cannot afford wasting my time anymore since each day the clock is ticking. I have a limited time period to make all that money and learn new skills. I think i like what i do and its only a problem with the work env. I can either adapt or change that. And the change becomes easier with new skills. Teaching and writing can be something i can look into after retiring or quitting my job. That should not be my focus at the moment. Apart from reskilling, i should look at developing my skills in the stock market. This is where the money is and the freedom is. I am going to do full justice to the degree i have earned, to the hard work i have done all these years, to the sweat and blood my parents have put in to see me here. I have the brains, i have my baba's blessings, i have my parent's wishes and my husband's support. What else do i need?? Faith in myself and the ability to push myself towards my goal.
Long post baba....but i think it was a good effort and i needed to write this. I needed to get this out of my head and for your consent. I think u only have decided things for me. So thank you.
Topic: Conversation with Baba....my true friend (Read 183365 times)