Conversation with Baba....my true friend

[vidyarp]

It is my fate, my karma , my destiny that life should treat me like this. everything is a struggle till i achieve it. Nothing comes easy. I have to work hard to get it. and all for what dear lord?? I find the whole concept so meaningless. At times i feel i am under depression. Not a good thing baba. Like i said - i lost my mother, my anchor in life. She was the rock behind my every decision. Now I have my father only, who is the closest to me. He knows me like no oneelse. But i am now trying to protect him from the world...after losing ma i have become more protective and caring for him. But u know how it is - he cant stay with me. Then i have my m who will never ever get along with me. I really get upset when she is mean and nasty. I adore my son but i have no time for him due to work pressure and also because of m at home. Then i have a good husband but somhow we dont tune to the same frequency is what i think. he is a good man and a caring husband and father. But is he my best friend? no. i suffer from low self esteem now and esp with the instability at work. I did so well here i gave it my best....and now i am looking out for ajob yet again. what nonsense baba...and for no fault of mine. I am not happy anywhere...and i dont know what i am going to do...its so upsetting....and then u say give up quarrel...and i did....u said have faith and wait for 36 hrs....i did...I know u are working behind the scenes...but baba...i am upset...and i have no one to go to...

[vidyarp]

waiting....faith and persevearance....shraddhha and saburi....

[vidyarp]

baba....how can i thank you....i have no words....all i can do is bow my head and pray to you humbly. I am ashamed of myself to have doubted you. You are really divine. I got the call i was desparately waiting for. And all thanks to you dear lord. I dont know how it will be going forward...but baba...i asked for it and i signed up for it....so no regrets. For once i can be confident of myself...and all thanks to you. And baba u know what....i am going to believe in you more than ever...because u have said give up the quarrel. and so i will. No i will not pick an issue with her....everytime she does something wrong...i'll say to myself...ignore kar ignore kar....and just call out your name....
baba.....thank you from the bottom of my heart...

[vidyarp]

Good morning dear lord..hasnt really sunk in...the feeling....i am happy..not exactly elated because i am afraid to be so happy. But baba...you ar divine and u take care of all of us.....so i am positive and i know that u will take care of everything baba....and i will work hard and be true to myself......i know petty things can bring me down..but i need to get up and dust myself and move on...to petty people i should say ignore kar ignore kar....all is well...

[vidyarp]

Waiting yet again....its not funny baba...its definitely not funny....
I hope i get the details today and i really wish to do well. I know this is not going to solv all my problems ...its going to give rise to a new set of challenges...but i'm ok with it....so long as u r by my side and i am trying my level best to give up quarrel....its tough...but i am doing it for you...because u told me to take the bad along with the good...so here i am dear lord...

[vidyarp]

so its more waiting and yet more waiting....and when i reach home it'll be like ignore kar ignore kar....haina baba? koi cheez asaani se nahi milti....to theek hai asaan kaam ke liye nahi bheja hai na aapne mujhe....

[vidyarp]

Dear lord.....some people can really drive u nuts!!! they make u see red all the time....and then u say dont quarrel/give up quarrel
so fine...i give up quarrel...and i feel sad to see my son suffer but i cant do anythin right now. Fine..Its not a major issue and i need to focus on other things.
So waiting 

[vidyarp]

Dear baba....what am i without you. You are everything for me and i am your child. I am happy and sad, determined yet scared...u know the turmoil i am going through. After 13 years, i have got a job offer from my dream company. I should be jumping with joy. But i am not. I am just anxious. Experience has told me that nothing is permanent and this happiness will also cease to exist in some time. And as for the home front - less said the better. Its so tough to put up with her. She is bitter and angry and seems hell bent on ruining my son's life and mine in turn. I have no clue how this will resolve in the days to come. But like u said - i will not quarrel. But u should do something about it baba. I dont know how long i will last in this situation. Its frustrating. She has everything yet she has nothing. she prays hard and calls out to you, but her mind and heart are so full of hatred and anger. Baba...aise pooja ka kya fayeda? I agree i am no saint myself...but i have tried my best to mould myself to her needs...but she treats me like dirt and expects me to treat her like my mother - thats not happening!! She dislikes my parents, she hates me, she has bad mouthed her own daughter and hates her own grand daughter....what sort of a woman is she?? and yet i cannot leave her alone and go. If i cant do it to my father, i cant do it to her. Old age will happen to me as well and i dont want to do anything that i wont do to myself. But baba...this is one big mess....there is no sense of a family bonding in our house...its asif 4 people are just co existing..not living together..and my poor dad is left out as an outsider...i cant bear this. Baba u have always given me what i wanted...not necessarily when i wanted....but i am convinced that u give me what i want....baba...please give me peace and harmony at home...please let appa stay with us and let m go away...i cant stay with her any more..

[vidyarp]

om sai sharanam....sri sai sharanam....

Baba...please sabka dhyaan rakhna....apni sharan mein rakhna...

[vidyarp]

Sai reham nazar karna.....puja was good...the usual festivities and gluttony. Baba...but i really miss my mother...i  miss the times we spent in chd....and all that we shared...It pains me to see my dad all alone and sad. I want him to be happy..very happy...and for that k should stay with him and enjoy his company. without that, it will not happen and m should not be there to spoil things the way she does now. and baba...hopefully i should be able to join a with no glitches. Long list of things..but this is where i am now. I dont want to be in a situation where i am neither here nor there. Bcos u see...i need the money to take care of my father and other needs for my family. And i need the financial independence to take care of things. I cant let R take all the burden...not fair. And i also need my space and identity (though that is now lower in priority) but if m is going to be at home, there is no way i can sit at home. So all in all...i should be happy with what i got...but the timing is such that i am not exactly thrilled to bits here...but very grateful and thankful to you....for giving me an opportunity...at least for once in life i can say i was associated with a.

[vidyarp]

Baba...its now 3 years since my mother passed away...and yet i cry. Why? Yet i feel that she should have been with me ...why do i still get upset? Kyunki i miss the genuine motherly love...I am so fed up with being treated like a second rate citizen ...like a step child...like an outsider....
I cant help feeling low....
And when i see my dad...i feel even worse.....i wish he stays happy. Please dear lord...thats the only genuine thing i want. Please take care of my father.

[vidyarp]

Baba...last night i had a strange dream. I was in Buffalo or maybe those folks were with us..but our house looked exactly like theirs externally. And then there was this huge hall where we had a lakshmi vinayak with colourful background. But there was a dilapitated house right across the street and it was supposed to have some evil spirits etc. I take sai's name and walk into that house. I feel coldand clammy. But then my mother is with me. Thereafter the scene changes...i am sleeping in a bed and my mother is also sleeping in the same bed. There is a mild tremor and i feel that its an earthquake. So i immediately decide to catch hold of my mother's hand and rush out. I am worried that she should not be left behind. Again change in scene - my mother and i are standing in a queue somewhere in a market. She is telling me that there is a shoe shop close by and if i want i can buy new sandals..and i just smile at her and say no..i dont need it.
Ok - it sounds meaningless. But the fact remains that i saw my mother and i spoke to her and i (hopefully) held her hand. Thats what matters....

[vidyarp]

Baba...thank you. Please bless r, a, k and me...today is my anniversary. Its been 11 years now. And m has behaved very badly today in my opinion. So i think i should just give up thinking about her. Aapne mujhe asaan kaam ke liye nahi bheja hai and if this is what it has to be then so be it. U have always told that one needs to be good and humble...and agar bhalaa na kar sako to koi baat nahi...kam se kam bura mat karo.Aur aapne ye bhi kaha ki give up quarrel...and i did. but still this nonsense is carrying on. Kab tak mein apne hi gharmein ek outsider ki tarah jeene wali hoo?? I dont think that its fair. 11 years ho gaye hain baba...lekin koi acceptance nahi hai. And for what she did to my mother...i will never forgive her. Is ki saza aap khud decide kar lena...i will not get into this. I want you to work on this please...i will not fret.

[vidyarp]

I think it doesnt even occur to her that she is irritating me. She annoys me and creates trouble for me but she has no realization. Thats what i think. So maybe its not her fault at all. She is not doing it on purpose. So i'll just let her be. It must be painful to he her. So my sympathies....but i am not going to quarrel. Let her be. And as for a, k and r - they are my life and more than that. I'll do anything for them.

[vidyarp]

OK so here i am baba....in the middle of nowhere. problem at work andn problem at home. It pays not to be sincere i guess. i am sincere and think about others and feel for them and they all take advantage of this situation. They dont think twice before hitting me below the belt. Then why am i good to them? Its not fair,