laugh

[adwaita]

a good one here..............
 
 
 
2 tough questions are you ready?
 
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
 
 
 
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
 
 
 
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.
 
Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
 
Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon , used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
 
Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
 
Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.
 
 
 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
 
 
 

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
 
 
 
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
 
 
 
 
Never be afraid to try some thing new.
Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals. ..built the Titanic
 
 
 
And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
 
Can you guess which organization this is?
 
Give up yet?
 

 
 
 
 
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

[adwaita]

 WHY THE  CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD??
 
Mulayam - I demand a 50% reservation of the road for the chicken class, so that they can cross the road freely without their motives being questioned.

ARJUN SINGH - Our policy will ensure the development of socially underprivileged chickens so that they can also cross roads.

Abdul Kalam - Yes, why did the chickens cross the road? .. please tell me why? .. they crossed to go to the other side of the road... now repeat after me ....

Advani - see Pakistani hand in this ...

Vatal Nagaraj - No Tamil or outside chickens will be allowed to cross our roads, our roads are meant only for Kanadiga chickens!.

Bal Thackarey - Chickens crossing the roads is against our culture, my followers will stone all such chickens which cross the road.

Jayalalithaa - From reliable sources I've got the information that the chicken belongs to Karunanidhi. He is making his chicken cross the road to create law & order problems. The chicken has now been imprisoned under POTA.

Amitabh Bachhan - The chicken has crossed the road?.. are you sure.. very sure ... really sure...

Venkaiah Naidu - "We are very sure of the fact that the chicken did not cross the road. It's a conspiracy by the congress. The poor chicken has been made a scapegoat in this whole issue"

H.S.Surjeet - We are adopting a wait and watch policy. We have convened a meeting of the third front today. We will decide the future course of action after the chicken comes back..

Maneka Gandhi - Chicken crossed the road alone...!! If a vehicle had passed over it, we would have lost one of our dearest creatures. Ban all vehicles from using the road. Protect our chickens...

Salman Khan - I ran over the chicken (Hic!). It was not intentional ...... It was accidental (Hic!)... ... you're now asking this question to me only because I'm a celebrity(Hic!)

[pramanisa]

Anwar’s Dictionary

 Anwar’s father was happy to see him poring over the dictionary for a long time.
Father: “Anwar, it’s so good to see you reading a dictionary. What did you learn?”
“What I learnt was,” said Anwar, “Not to keep my pocket money in the dictionary without noting down the page number.’

 

[pramanisa]

Beggar Brother

The beggar approaches the man and says, “Sir, don’t you think of all human beings as your brothers?”
“Why? Yes.”
“Then I am your brother.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Then I am entitled to half your wealth, so give me my share.”
“Here take this rupee”
“But is that all?”
“That’s it,” says the man, “I have millions of brothers.”

[pramanisa]

Thief! Thief!

 Two thieves robbed a bank. One said to the other, “Come let’s count how much is there.”
The second thief said, “There is no need to count, we will find the amount in tomorrow’s newspaper.”

Genie Grants a Wish

 Lazy Bhola happens to release a genie when he brushes against a lamp by mistake. The free genie is happy and says, “I will gift you a machine, which if you push a button will do anything for you.”
Bhola asks, “But who will press the button?”

Gardening Apprentice

 The gardner had kept a new apprentice to help him in his work. The new lad comes upto him and says, “I think, Sir, that that you have not planted the rose properly. It is not developing roots.”
“How can you say that?”
“I have been taking it out every day to check.”

First Day at School

 Mom asked her son, “ So how was your first day at school?”
“First day? You mean I have to go back there tomorrow?”

Failed Again

 “Pramod, you have failed again”, said the teacher. “Are you not ashamed being in the same class with such small children?”
“Why should I be?” asked Pramod, “You have been with them for years together and you are not!”

Loyal Story

 The aspiring story writer was telling his friend, “My stories are like dogs.”
“Why do you say so?”
“Well, whenever I send them, they come back to me.”

Grammar Expert

 Sohan: “I spent eight hours on the grammar book last night.”
Mohan: “It’s good that you spent so much time studying Grammar.”
Sohan: “Who said anything about studying? The book was under my pillow when I went to bed.”

Swimming Prohibited

The guard was doing his rounds when he noticed a man in the lake. He shouted, “Don’t you know swimming in this lake is prohibited?
The man in the water gasped, “I’m not swimming, I’m drowning!”
“Then its alright”, said the guard and continued on his rounds.

Birthday Query

 The five year old goes up to her mother and asks, “Mom, how long is it for my birthday?”
“Not very long dear, why?”
“Well”, said the girl, “I was just wondering whether it was time for me to begin being a good girl.”

Budding Drummer

 Siddhant was pestering his dad for a drum. His dad said, “No way you are getting a drum. You will keep playing it. It will be too much of a noise and I will not be able to read or relax.”
“Please, Dad,” said Siddhant, “Please buy me the drum. I promise, I wont disturb you. I’ll play it only when you are asleep.”

Birthday Present

 Mona’s dad asked her what she wanted for her birthday.
Mona: “I want a watch that tells time.”
Dad: “Why, doesn’t your watch tell the time?”
Mona: “No I have to look at it.”

Cold Drink!

 The lady was crying as she was being taken away by the police for killing her husband.
The policeman asks her, “Why then did you poison your husband, if you loved him so?”
Lady cries even louder, “I was only carrying out his orders. It was he who asked me for a drink that will make him absolutely cold.”

Your Honour!

 The judge said to the accused, “Now you take an oath that henceforth you will never cut the pockets of people.”
Accused: “Your honour, that’s not possible.”
Judge asks, “Why is it not possible?”
The accused replies, “Because I am a tailor.”

Tina complains

 Tina was whining, “I don’t like my new teacher at all.”
Her mother asked, “Why not dear?”
“She told me to sit in front for the present,” said Tina, “but she didn’t give me the present.”

Shaving Brush

 The father exclaimed one morning, “There is something wrong with my shaving brush!”
On hearing this, the little son replied, “But it was alright when I painted my toy with it.”

Soman visits the Doctor

 Soman goes to the doctor who remarks, “You are looking better this week.”
“That’s because”, explains Soman, “I followed the instructions on the bottle of medicine that you prescribed for me.”
“That’s good,” said the doctor “What were the directions?”
“The bottle said, ‘Keep the bottle tightly closed”.

Peter’s marks

 “But Ma’am,” said Peter, “I don’t deserve a zero.”
“Yes, that’s true,” replied the teacher, “but it’s the lowest mark I’m allowed to give”.

Sushma’s weight loss

 Sushma was on a slimming down spree. After some weeks she bumped into Sowmya. Sushma said, “I lost a lot of weight in the last month.”
Sowmya, “But I can’t see it.”
“Well”, said Sushma, “How could you? I have lost it.”

Typewriter Stolen

 The thief was not admitting to having stolen the typewriter from the store. So they had it brought to the courtroom. And the judge asked: “Did you not steal this typewriter?”
“Oh!” exclaimed the thief with mouth wide open, “ Was this a typewriter? And I thought it was a cash register!”

Who me?

 Teacher: You stand up.
Student: Who me?
Teacher: Yes, you.
Teacher: Where do you stay?
Student: Who me?
Teacher: Yes you.
Student: At Colaba, Miss.
Teacher: What is your name?
Student: Who me?
Teacher: Yes you.
Student: Prakash.
Teacher: What is your age?
Student: Who me?
Teacher: NO ME
Student: Oh, you may be between thirty and thirty-five.

Healthy Johny

 After inspecting Johny the doctor put down his stethoscope and said, “You are fit as a fiddle, my child.”
“ Is that so?” said Johny, “Then give me back my 100 Rs”.

Book worm

 An avid reader just moved house with her belongings, and cartons after cartons of her books.
As the delivery man put down his last carton of books, he grumbled, "For God's sake, madam, why didn't you finish reading all these before you came?"

Truant Teenager

 Inspector to a teenager, "Do you have a good explanation for wandering about at this time of the night?"
Teenager: "If I did, I would have gone home to my mom long back."

Buying baby

 Sonia goes to the hospital with her mother to see her aunt's new baby. Her mother puts money in the cradle and says,"This is for the baby."
When they are leaving, Sonia reminds "Mom, don't forget to take the baby, we have paid for him."

[pramanisa]

Trip to Heaven

 The moral science teacher says in her class, "All those who want to go to heaven, raise their hands." The teacher finds all hands up except one.
She asks, "What about you Ranjit, don't you want to go to heaven?"
Ranjit replies,"No, I can't. My mother has told me to come home straight from school."

Tooth loss

 Jimmy's mom sees him coming into the house, "Oh no, Jimmy, you have been in another fight. You have lost your front tooth!"
"No mom," says Jimmy, "I have not lost it. I have got it in my pocket."

Persistent salesman

 "No, No Go away," shouted the lady at the salesman at her door, "I cannot see you."
"That is fine, madam," said the salesman, "I am selling spectacles."

Sohail brags

 "There is something I can do that nobody else in my school can do, not even the teacher!" brags Sohail.
Anuj asks, "What is that?"
"Read my handwriting."

Runaway prisoner

 A constable was escorting the prisoner to the court when his cap blows off. "Shall I go and get it for you?"asks the prisoner
"So that you can run away?" says the constable, "Don't try to outwit me. You stand here, and I will get it."

Steve's good deed

 Steve was travelling by bus when he notices that the lady next to him has left back a packet. He calls her and gives her the packet. She says, "Leave it there, it is my husband's lunch. He works in the Lost Property office."

Pretty when dirty

 Sonia's neighbour spots her coming back from play and remarks, "Oh Sonia, you're pretty dirty."
"Aunty, I look more prettier when I am clean."

Copy Cat

 Teacher asks the first Standard students, "There were 5 cats on the wall, one jumped down, so how many are left on the wall?"
Johny says, "None Ma'am"
"Why?"
"Ma'am they were all copy cats."

Mona visits a surgeon

 Mona is very unhappy with the shape of her nose. So she decides to consult a plastic surgeon.
"What would you charge to alter my nose?" asked Mona.
"About 25,000 Rs."
"Is there no other cheaper treatment?"
"Oh yes, "said the doctor, "you could try walking into a lamppost."

Bounced cheque

 Doctor calls up his patient, "Mr Kulkarni, the cheque which you gave me came back."
"That's funny," said Mr Kulkarni, "so did my knee pain."

Eye check up

 Little Tina walks in to the opticians. The eye doctor says "You need glasses"
Tina replies, "Doctor, I am already wearing glasses!"
"Then it is I who need glasses".

Plumber help!

 The man gave a ring to the plumber asking him to come urgently. But it was a good eight hours before the plumber turned up.
"How's it going?" asked the plumber.
"Not so bad" said the man, "while I was waiting for you, I taught my wife to swim".

Engagement ring

 The young girl asks her lover, "When we get engaged, will you give me a ring?"
"Sure, what is your phone number?"

Writing In The Dark

 "Dad, can you write in the dark?", asked Divya.
"What do you want me to write?
"Nothing much, just your name on this report card."

Grammar Class

 "Tina, give me a sentence starting with 'I'."
"I is"
"Tina never say I is, say I am".
"Ok, Ma'am, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Gallant Peter

 One day the teacher came into the class and said, "All those who think they are stupid stand up."
Nobody stood. After some time Peter stood up.
Teacher asked,"Peter, so you think you are stupid?"
"No, Ma'am, but I couldn't see you standing there all by yourself!"

Mona Shirks Exercise

 Mona was being lectured on the importance of including exercise as part of her daily routine.
"When I was your age, I thought nothing of an hour's brisk walk," said her mom.
"I don't think much of it either"

No Problem Watch

 The super salesman was trying to sell a watch to an interested customer.
"I can give you an unusual watch. It is a no problem watch. You will never have to repair it. It has no minutes hand,no seconds needle."
"But how can I see the time then?"
"That's easy Sir, just ask anybody."

Bhola Drinks Tea

 Bhola walked into the restaurant and ordered for a tea. When the tea came he put two lumps of sugar and started drinking it. The waiter who observed this said," But Sir, you did not stir it!"
Bhola replied,"That's because I dont like it sweet."

Eye Check Up

 The little boy was having an eye check up at school.
The doctor asked,"Can you read what is written on the chart?"
"Yes I can read it."
"Then read it aloud for me."
"Why?", asked the boy, "Can't you read?"

Late Teenager

 The teenager was once again late. The next morning, the mother questioned him.
"Mom, I was in at quarter of twelve."
"But I heard the clock strike three," said mom.
"Isn't three a quarter of twelve?"

Blind Beggar

 Seeing a blind beggar, little Tina was moved and put 10Rs note in his bowl. But she dropped her doll. The beggar picked it up for her. Surprised Tina asked, "But you are not blind."
"Yes I'm not. I'm working for my brother. Today is his day off."

You've Got Mail!

 Ranveer kept making repeated visits to the mail box. His neighbour noticed this and asked if he were waiting for some special letter.
"No", said Ranveer, " The computer keeps telling me I have mail."

Tito Visits India Gate

 Tito approaches the traffic policeman and asks for directions to India Gate.
Policeman says, "Take the Bus No. 24 and get down at the last stop".
After a long time the policeman happens to pass by the bus stop and sees Tito still at the bus-stop.
He asks,"What happened, gentleman? Didn't you get the bus?"
Tito says, "Now it wont be long, it was the twenty second bus which just went."

Bhola Paints The Room

 Bhola was given instructions by his master to finish painting the room till he returned from office.
When the master returns, he is surprised to find Bhola busy painting wearing a leather jacket and also a jeans jacket. Upon being questioned, Bhola replies, "It says on this paint can that it is better with two coats."

Capital Please

 The teacher assigns the class to learn the Capitals of all countries over the weekend.
On Monday, she asks Ranjit,
"So, I hope you have learnt all the capitals."
"Yes, Ma'am I have."
"What is the capital of Maharashtra?"
Ranjit answers, "M".

Mona Loses Weight

 Mona is overweight. She decides to consult a dietician who advises her that, "Eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and then continue this pattern for two weeks and at the end of two weeks you would have lost 5Kgs."
At the end of two weeks Mona comes back having lost 15 Kgs. The surprised dietician asks her how she did that. Mona replied, "It was difficult and on the third day I thought I was going to drop dead."
Dietician asks,"Out of hunger?"
"No", says Mona, "from skipping".

Tito Finds Weather

 Tito Singh was just back from a vacation to a hill station. His friend asks him, "So how did you find the weather there?"
"Easy", said Tito, "I just went out of the hotel room, and there it was."

Suraj is punished

 Ravi saw Suraj standing outside the class.
Ravi: Why are you punished?
Suraj: I came late to class.
Ravi: But why did you get late?
Suraj: I just followed a signboard which said, “School Ahead, Go Slow”.

Three and three

 Father: Rohini, what did you learn in school today?
Rohini: That three and three are seven.
Father: But dear, three and three are six!
Rohini: Well, I guess I didn't learn anything today then!

Thirsty Fish

 Mother: Tina, put some water in the fish tank.
Tina: But why, mom? I put some water yesterday and the fish has not drunk that yet

Test Paper

 Mother on seeing her son’s exam papers: Why does your maths answer paper have a big zero over it.
Son: Mom, it's not a zero, the teacher ran out of stars, so she gave me a moon instead!

Who Napoleon?

 Teacher: Raj, do you know who is Napoleon?
Raj: I don’t know him, Ma’am
Teacher: How come you are in 4th Std and don’t know Napoleon?
Raj: Maybe he is in 2nd Std Ma’am

Doctor! Doctor!

 Doctor to his patient: Your test reports have come and I have some bad and very bad news for you.
Patient: Tell me the good news first.
Doctor: You just have 24 hrs to live.
Patient: What! How can there be worse news than that! What is the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to contact you since yesterday.

Shantanu apologises

 Shantanu’s father scolds him, “Why did you call Sumita stupid? Go at once and say sorry to her.”
Shantanu goes up to her and says, “Sumita, I’m sorry you are stupid.”

Copy Cat!

 Teacher: Peter, your essay on Your pet cat is the same as your twin sister’s. Did you copy hers?
Peter: No teacher. That is because it is the same cat.

Astrologer’s Prediction

 A frog goes to the astrologer. The astrologer assures him saying, “You are soon going to meet a beautiful lady who will want to know all about you.”
Frog asks, “Where will I meet her?”
“On the table in her Biology Class.”

Simple Soman

 Simple Soman is travelling by a boat when suddenly water starts gushing in through a hole. Everybody panics. But Soman is not and offers a solution “Make one more hole and on the first one write ‘IN’ and ‘OUT’ on the second one so the water will go out through the second one.”

Refrigerator Phobia

 A lady went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I need your help.
My husband thinks he is a refrigerator."
"That's okay," the doctor said, "nothing to worry about."
"Maybe," said the woman, "but he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake."

Maths Problem

 Teacher: “Rishi, if you put your hand in one pocket and found 10 Rs and 50 Rs in the other, what would you have?”
Rishi: “Somebody else’s pants!”

[pramanisa]

Tito Scuba dives

 Tito dons his deep sea diving gear and takes the plunge. He notices a man a little away without any gear. Tito goes down about 40 feet and the man follows. The man without the gear goes down further and Tito follows him and he is surprised how the man could do it. So Tito takes out a waterproof pen and writes to ask him, “How are you able to breathe without your gear?” The man snatches the pen from Tito’s hand and writes, “Dumb Fellow, I am drowning.”

Superstition

 Pandu and Dhondu were robbing an apartment when they hear footsteps approaching.
“Come Dhondu let’s jump out of this window,” said Pandu,
“But Pandu we are on the thirteenth floor”
Pandu said, “This is no time to be superstitious!”

B’ in Rose

 “Rita how did you get this terrible swelling on your nose?” asked Sheetal.
“I was smelling a brose”
“There is no ‘b’ in rose” corrected Sheetal.
“But there was in this one”.

Exam Fever

 Sohail was looking very upset after his maths exams.
Anuj asks him, “What’s the matter Sohail? How were the questions?”
“Good.”
“Then why are you looking so depressed.”
“The questions did not give me any trouble. It was only the answers.”

Lincoln missed the bus

 Mrs Smith was telling her granddaughter the story of Abraham Lincoln.
Abraham Lincoln had to face many hardships in his life. When he was small he had to walk 5 miles to get to school everyday.
Little Maya quips in, “Then he should have got up early and gone in the school bus like everyone else.”

Teacher! Teacher!

 “Teacher teacher, I can’t solve this problem.”
“Why? Any eight year old will be able to solve this.”
“No wonder, I can’t do it then. I am 11 years old.”

Copy Cat

 Teacher: Hasan you copied from John didn’t you?
Hasan: How did you know?
Teacher: John has answered a question saying ‘I don’t know’ and you have answered saying ‘Me neither’.

Illiterate Literate

 Bhola was attending the adult literacy programme.
After two classes, his wife asks him, “What did you learn in class today?”
“Oh, I learnt how to write.”
“What did you write?”
“I don't know, they have not yet taught us how to read!”

 Building of Rome

 Seema: When was Rome built?
Anita: During the night.
Seema: How can you be so sure that it was during the night?
Anita: That is because my father always says Rome was not built in a day!

Absent Please!

 The Principal of the school gets a call in the morning
Voice at the other end: My son will not come to school today as he has a bad cold.
Principal: May I know who is speaking?
Voice at the other end: This is my father speaking!

Good Samaritan Robinhood

 Teacher: Why did Robinhood steal only from the rich?
Student: Because the poor did not have anything worth stealing.

Grammar Expert?

 Hemant: Are you good at Grammar?
Suhas: Yes and No
Hemant: What do you mean, yes and no?
Suhas: Yes, I am no good at Grammar!

Schoolphobia

 Monica has just joined school and after some days a visitor to her house asks her
“So Monica, how do you like going to school?”
“The going part is good and the coming home part is great, it is the in-between part which is boring.”

The Ideal Excuse

 Teacher: Deepak, where is your homework?
Deepak: Teacher, I lost it while fighting this boy who was going around saying you are not the best teacher in school.

Maths Expert

 Teacher: What is two and two?
Ravi: Four
Teacher: Ravi, that’s good.
Ravi: Good! But that’s perfect!

Rony’s transformation

 Rony was sporting a new look- coloured hair, earring in his ear, flashy clothes…
Sonia met him and was stunned at this change in Rony.
“Rony, what’s come over you? My, you have changed a lot.”
“Sonia,” replied Rony, “I too don’t like this new look, but atleast now it stops my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.”

Who’s the Boss?

 Tina’s aunt had come over to take care of her as Tina’s parents had to go out of town for some days. At the dinner table, Tina saw her aunt sitting on her father’s chair.
Tina said, “ Aunty, don’t sit there. That is dad’s seat.”
“It doesn’t matter Tina,” said her aunt, “Since dad is not here, I can take the seat as I am the boss now.”
Tina replied, “If you're the boss, you sit over there -- in Mama's chair!"

Johny bakes a cake.

 It was Little Johny’s day to help his mother in the kitchen. Finally as she took out the cake from the oven, he even helped her to put on the icing. Johny’s father wishing to encourage him complimented him on his work,
“Johny you have decorated this cake wonderfully. How did you manage to put the icing on so evenly?”
Johny replied, “I licked it”.

Rahul goes shopping

 Rahul goes upto the grocer and reads out a list
½ kg sugar at the rate of 10 Rs kilo
1 kg potato at the rate of 8 Rs kilo
¼ kg peas at the rate of 20 Rs kilo
How much does that come to?
Grocer: That would be 18 Rs.
If I gave you a 50 Rs note how much would you give back?
Grocer: I would give you back 32 Rs.
Rahul: Well, Thank you. I don’t want to buy anything. Just that it is my maths test today and I needed a little help.

Worms are healthy

 Tony: “Dad, are worms healthy to eat?”
Dad: “Why do you ask that?”
Tony: “There was one on the fruit that you just had”.

Bhola follows instructions

 Bhola’s cough is not getting any better. Doctor asks, “Bhola have you bought the medicine that I prescribed for you.” Bhola: “Yes, Doctor saab, and I have followed the instructions on the label”.
Doctor: “Show it to me, but this bottle is full, have you not taken the medicine?”
Bhola: “It says on the carton- Keep the bottle firmly closed- So I have not opened the seal at all.”

Icy Duel

 Mom sees Rajan and Venu fighting with each other.
“While you’ll are fighting, this ice-cream here is melting.” said Mom, “Whose is it?”
Rajan shouts out from beneath Venu, “That is what we are fighting over”.

Tito draws a ring

 The drawing teacher asks the class to draw a perfect ring without using a compass.
Tito is nervous as he cannot draw a perfect circle.
So he draws a square and hands it over.
“Tito,” said the teacher, “I told you to draw a ring, not a box”.
Tito replies, “But Miss, the ring is inside the box”.

Soman goes bald

 Simple Soman was using his electric razor to remove all his hair from his head. His friend asks, “Soman, why are you shaving yourself bald?”
Soman says, “I want to apply this oil”.
“But for that why are you going bald?” asked his friend.
“Well because,” Soman explained, “the instruction on the bottle says - apply it directly on the scalp”.

Late than ever!

 Little Beena awoke earlier than usual and was lying in bed when she heard the grandfather clock strike five. But it didn’t stop there. It went on… 7,8,9,10,11,12,13… and still it didn’t stop. She ran to her parents asleep in the next room and awoke them shouting, “Get up! Get up! It’s later than it ever was!”

Molly X-rayed

 Tiny Molly was told to take an X-ray of her hand to rule out any fractures owing to her fall. She came out beaming, “They took a picture of my bones”.
“That is right, dear” said her mother, “did everything go all right?”
“Oh yes, and the amazing thing was I did not even have to take my skin off!”

Devout Parvati

 Parvati on her way to the temple is given two coins, one for the donation box and other to spend on herself. A coin slips out of her hand and rolls along and falls into a gutter. Looking in sadly through the sewer grates Parvati sighs, “Oh there goes God’s coin”.

Karamchand helps out

 A burglar entered Karamchand’s house. When he saw Karamchand awake he said, “Don’t move or I will shoot. I am searching for your money”.
“Then switch on the light,” said Karamchand “and I will search with you”.

Doubling Coins

 Two-year-old Solly was playing on the floor when she swallowed a coin. Her mother saw this and ran to her and holding her upside down pounded her on the back. Out came two coins.
Now frantic she yelled to her husband, “Solly had swallowed a coin and now has coughed up two coins. What shall we do?”
Her 8-year-old son who was observing all this said, “Mom keep feeding her coins and we will keep getting it doubled”.

God’s Picture

 In the drawing class, the children were instructed to draw pictures of whatever they wanted. The master asked a boy, “What’s that a picture of?”
Boy: “It is the picture of God”.
Master: “But no one knows what God looks like”.
Boy: “Well, they will, when I finish this picture”.

Evils of Alcohol

 A father was teaching his young son the evils of alcohol. To emphasise himself further he demonstrated by putting a worm in a glass of water and another in a glass of alcohol. The worm in the water lived while the one in alcohol died.
“So now what does that show you, my son?”
“Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms”.

Teenage Scientist

 A teenage girl was seated next to a scientist on the flight. Not knowing who he was and to make idle conversation she asked, “Hello, what do you do, Sir?”
Scientist: “I study science”
Girl: “You are studying science? Oh I finished with it when I was in my tenth”.

Grammar Lesson

 In the grammar class, Mrs. Seth said, “Sohail, give me a sentence with a direct object”.
Sohail: “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school”.
Mrs Seth: “Thank you, Sohail. But what is the object?”
Sohail: “To get the best marks”.

Homework Hijacked

 The young student was looking very dejected, so her teacher asked, “What’s the problem, Roopa? I hope it’s not the homework again”.
“Uh, actually it is madam,” said Roopa, “I was foolish and made my homework paper into an airplane”.
“Now that was not a bright thing to do”, agreed the teacher, “but you can unfold it and hand it over just this once”.
Roopa said looking even sadder, “But that won’t work either, as the plane was hijacked”.

Museum Visit

 The fifth standard was on an educational trip to the museum. As they went through the museum, the teacher observed Ravi walking with his hands on his eyes.
The teacher questioned him on his strange behaviour, “Why are you walking around like that?”
“ Well”, said Ravi, “if I don’t see anything, I don’t have to write about anything”.

Wet Marks

 Nishit came home from school looking very depressed.
“What is the matter, son?” asked his mother.
“Oh, it’s my marks,” said Nishit, “they are all wet”.
“What do you mean all wet?”
Nishit explained, “I mean they are all below C-level”.

Horse turned dog!

 In the art class, the students were asked to draw a dog. When they completed it and Subhash went up to show his creation to his teacher, the teacher complimented him on his excellent drawing. Subhash told his teacher, “I actually can’t draw a dog. So when I have to draw a dog, I draw a horse and it always looks like a dog”.

No school, please!

 Young Tina was crying that she didn’t want to go to school.
“But why, Tina?” asked her mother.
Tina whined, “ I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!”

Spinach lover

 Parul was to have lunch at Reena’s house. Reena’s mother asked her whether she liked spinach. “Oh, yes, aunty. I love it,” said Parul
At lunch Reena’s mother observed that Parul had finished off everything on her plate except the spinach. So she asked, “But Parul, I thought you said you love spinach”.
“Yes, aunty,” Parul explained, “but not enough to eat it”.

Good Deed

 Raju was late for his Value Education class. Teacher asked him severely, “Why are you so late?”
“Yesterday you told us to do a good deed everyday. So I was helping an old man cross the street”.
“Now that is a nice thing to do”, said the teacher, “But what made you so late?”
“Well, you see,” said Raju, “he didn’t want to go”.

Watch the speed!

 Mr Kulkarni to his driver: Bhola, drive slowly.
Bhola: “Saab, you said you have to reach the hospital fast”.
Mr Kulkarni: “Yes, but not as a patient”.

Bipin saves money

 Bipin: “Dad I saved your money today.”
Dad: “That’s great. How did you do it?”
Bipin: “I have failed in all the subjects. So now you need not buy me new books this year”.

Vishal is polite

 Sister Clara observes Steve entering the class with dirty hands.
“Steve, wash your hands. What would you say if I came to teach you with hands dirty like that? “
Steve smiled and said, “I think I would be too polite to mention it”.

Vineeta takes a message

 Vineeta, who was four years old, was alone in the house when the phone rang.
Vineeta answered it and was told that it was Mr. Ghosh who was calling.
Vineeta: “I’m sorry, but no one is here. Can I take a message?”
After a pause, Mr. Ghosh heard, “Ok, Mr Ghosh, how do you spell your name?”
“G.H.O.S.H”
After a long pause…
“How do you make a G?”

Deepak is brave.

 Deepak came home from school with a black eye and blood oozing from his lips. His mother sighed, “Oh Deepak, you have been in another fight!”
“But, Mom, I was just saving a little boy from being beaten by a big boy”, said Deepak. Mom said, “Now that was brave of you my dear. Who was that little boy?”
“Me, Mom”.

Ideal Woman

 Bhutta: “How come you never married?”
Tito: “I kept looking for an ideal woman”.
Bhutta: “And you never found her?”
Tito: “Oh sure, but she was looking for the ideal man”.

Anil takes a nap.

 Teacher spots Anil sleeping in her class.
Teacher: “Somu, wake up Anil”.
Somu: “You were the one who put him to sleep. You wake him up”.

Tito’s Predicament

 Tito was advised by the doctor to run five miles per day and come back for another check up next week.
On the day of appointment Tito calls to say he cant make it for the check up. Doctor asks the reason. Tito replies,”How can I? I am thirty five miles away from there?”

No Studies!

 Son: Mom, I am going to give up studying.
Mom: Why is that?
Son: Just yesterday I heard that someone was killed because he knew too much.

Doctor! Doctor!

 Doctor: What is the problem?
Patient: I snore so loudly that I wake myself up. What can I do?
Doctor: Sleep in another room.

Spectacular Spectacles

 Sunayna is carrying three pairs of glasses. Her friend Monica asks her why she is carrying so many pairs of spectacles.
Sunayna replies: “ One pair is for reading, other for distance vision and the third is to look for the other two.

Clever Pills  

Kartar : How come you are so clever?
Banta : I take clever pills.
Kartar: Please let me have some of the pills.
Banta: Here, take two.
Kartar: But these aren’t clever pills, they are toffees!
Banta: See, they are starting to work already.

[pramanisa]

MARRIAGE
> >
> > # Thought 1 #
> > When we are born, our mother's get the compliments
> > and the flowers.When we are married, our brides get
> > the presents and the publicity. When we die, our
> > widows get the life insurance. What do women want to
> > be liberated from?
> >
> > # Thought 2 #
> >
> > The average man's life consists of :Twenty years of
> > having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty
> > years of having his wife ask the same question;and at
> > the end, the mourners wondering too.
> > >--------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > # Thought 3 #
> >
> > A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice
> > from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will
> > fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped
> > and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man
> > was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was
> > going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted,
> > "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car
> > will run over you, and you will die." The man did as
> > he was instructed, just as a car came careening around
> > the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. "Who
> > are you?"
> > "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
> > "Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were
> > you when I got married?"
> >
> > >--------------------------------------------------------
> > # Thought 4 #
> >
> > Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the
> > radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
> > aisle to give her away to groom.They reached the altar
> > and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and
> > placed something in his hand.
> >
> > Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to
> > the father by the bride. The father could feel the
> > suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to
> > divulge the secret and say something. So he announced
> > "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my
> > life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter
> > gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally
> > returned my credit card to me."
> > The whole audience including priest started laughing
> > but not the poor groom!

[pramanisa]

One fine day*, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and
drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,built
like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver
and said, *"Big John doesn't pay*!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek?
Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy
about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made
a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big
John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. *He
signed up for body building courses, karate, judo*, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt
really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again
got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "*And why
not?* "

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "*Big John has a bus
pass* ."

*Management Lesson*: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before
working hard to solve one."

[pramanisa]

When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough

When I don't do it, I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it, he is busy,

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,

When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,

When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

When I do good, my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong, he never forgets

[pramanisa]

Santa was shifting his residence. He was packing his belongings. By midnight he was too tired and dozed off with the house door open.
A sound woke him up. A thief was packing valuables. Santa found it very amusing; the thief was doing the job for him! "When this smart guy finishes packing, I will catch him".
Santa was a hefty guy; so when the burglar finished packing, Santa Singh jumped on him and tied him up. Then he went to the police station and reported the matter.
"What did you do to the thief"?
"I tied his hands; you come and collect him".
"I hope you tied his legs too".
Santa felt a cold feeling in his spine; he had forgotten about the legs. He sat down for a while. Then he cheered up and said, "Inspector Sab, the thief, he will still be there".
"How do you know"?
"Well, that fellow is a Sardarji

[pramanisa]

Banta and and son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a couple of hours gave them not much to do, so the son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious so he asked his father some questions.
"How does this boat float?"
Banta thought for a moment, then replied, "Don`t rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again Banta replied, "Don`t rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked Banta, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, Banta replied, "Don`t rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
Banta immediately assured him, "Of course not, son. If you don`t ask questions, you`ll never learn anything!"

[pramanisa]

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!'
But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'
Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'
Well, the kids hate me for one,
and the teachers hate me, too!'
Oh, that's no reason not to go to school.
Come on now and get ready.'
Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'
Well, for one, you're 52 years old.
And for another, you're the Principal!

[pramanisa]

This a fwd. mail...regarding Junk e-mails!


M-A-H-A-B-H-A-R-A-T

Krishna: Arjun, Try to respect the e-mails of your colleagues.


Arjun: But Vasudev, how dare I send junk mails to my honourable elders, who

are logged on to honourable domains ?


Krishna: Paarth, at this moment they neither are your friend nor your foes.

They are mere mail-users. So follow your Net-dharma. Logon and send

dozens of junk mails. This is your Karma and this alone is your

Dharma.


Arjun: Murari ! After seeing all this, I feel like resigning from the

company itself


Krishna: Bandhu, it seems you are caught in a vicious circle of Maaya. In

this material world you have none and you are commited to none. Junk

mails have existed before you came to this world and shall remain long after

you are gone. Rise above this Maaya and perform your duty. Just keep sending

junk mails.


Arjun: But Devaki Nandan...........!


Krishna: ...Victory or failure is not in your hands. So stop pondering

about results. Don't waste your knowledge on the junk shastra bestowed by

your Guru.


Arjun: Hey Keshav, how is junk mail related to

the 'system'?


Krishna: Junk mail is just junk mail. It has no connection with Hardware.

However, it is another matter that it overloads the system... fills up the

hard disk....but you are not supposed to worry about it. Listen Kunti

putra, the way Aatma leaves one physical body and moves onto another,

likewise these junk mails move from system to system.


Arjun: How can one define junk mail?


Krishna: Neither fire can burn it.., nor air can dry it... neither it can

be conquered nor it can be defeated. He who sends junk mails cannot be

looked down upon even by Mahadev... Junk mails are immortal.


Arjun: Hey Narayan! Now all my doubts on junk mail are crystal clear. You

have opened my eyes Yashoda Nandan, or else I would have lost Myself in

Maaya and read all the junk mails myself.


MAHAAABHAAAAARAT .............


Years have passed since then, generations have come and gone,

seasons have cycled, technology advanced, but junk mails remain. So, go on,

contribute something to the history by hitting that forward button yet again to

send This junk mail to all !!!!!

[pramanisa]

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida old age home.
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for
a number of years.

Now, one evening, there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After some 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective rooms. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes'
or
did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not

recall.Not even a faint memory. When he tried to see her, he found that
she had gone to visit her daughter.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he
explained to her that his memory was not as good as it used to be. Then
he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a
little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would
marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, I will' and I meant
it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."